My granny was a howler monkey |

My granny was a howler monkey

Matt Zalaznick

If you think evolution’s a load of chimp poop, then you probably believe God made us all in his image. If that’s true, if we resemble God, the Big Guy’s not an affluent church deacon who drives an Escalade, plays golf four times a week and has three kids in private school. If he’s like a majority of the human race, he’s a malnourished, illiterate, bigoted, superstitious, sickly, sex-crazed, gap-toothed, overweight, out-of-shape, bus-riding, gun-toting, pork-rind-and-Slim-Jim-gobblin’, drug-addicted, beer-guzzlin’, bar-fightin’, law-breakin’, lottery-playin’, soccer-and-NASCAR lovin’ subsistence-farming factory worker who never votes, has massive credit card debt, has spent at least a few nights in the county jail and has half-a-dozen juvenile-delinquent children he can’t feed or educate. Or as Frank Zappa said, “He made us all to be just like him. So, if we’re dumb, than God is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.” I’m not insisting God doesn’t exist, but how can He have made us in His image if there are two sexes? Does that mean He’s transgender? A metrosexual? A transvestite?! Perhaps that was Him whom I saw lip-synching “I Will Survive” in a tutu at a bar in San Francisco one night. Does God look like Boy George or RuPaul? It’s hard to reconcile the beings He created with the way He is often depicted. I’m thinking he looks and acts more like Cheech or Chong than the wise, resplendent, imperious old white guy whom Michelangelo painted on the wall of the Sistine Chapel.I think the Cheech God, rather than flying at the head of an entourage of beatific angels and zapping life into Adam, gets chased down the street by furious girlfriends, angry drug-dealers, pissed-off landlords and cops planning to kick his butt. And if anyone gets zapped, it’s probably the cops using the Taser to take down God himself. I therefore choose to believe my granny was a bug-eating, feces-hurling howler monkey descended from bottom-feeding mudskippers and sea slugs. I think that’s led to a lot more diversity on this planet than a deity who only wants to clone itself. Hey, aren’t most religious people repulsed by the idea of human cloning? Does God get a free pass? What if he starts monkeying with stem cells? Wait, he created stem cells, which means he must already have done a little research with them, right? Or did He just wave his hands and POOF! Stem cells! Were there no months of toiling away in the heavenly basement, electrocuting himself and bashing his fingers with hammers between trip after trip to the celestial Home Depot for another pack of femurs? I guess that’s the theory of intelligent design, which, as I understand it, says that, although a 4-year-old molding a kitty out of a single can of Play-Doh can make a big mess, creating man and all his blood, guts and brains, was a quick, clean and uncom -plicated affair. And that only explains evolution. What about its logical counterpart – devolution, which some, I guess, would call intelligent “demolition.” Only devolution can explain such phenomena as Fox News, Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo and Mel Gibson. Still, I understand; despite volumes upon tons upon mountains of evidence proving that evolution is the reason we have thumbs and walk upright, having Curious George and King Kong in the family tree is just too disturbing for some Homo sapiens. Well, here are some things that I find disturbing: All these pagans who say the world is round when I know it’s turnip shaped; and all these leftist, secular dietitians who insist Cheez-Its are bad for you when I’m certain they prevent bird flu. City Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 949-0555, ext. 14620, or mzalaznick@vaildaily.comCheck out his blog at, Colorado

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