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My kidney for a passport

Nickey Hernandez

As a well-fed American and card-carrying supporter of the Patriot Act, I have a natural fear of my shadow, as well as all immigrants.Granted, the huddled masses yearning to be free were handy once. But that was back when railroads needed building. Last time I checked, the rails were for girly types who lacked the steel to fly inside a crowded tube 35,000 feet above Mother Earth.As most right-thinking folks understand, the modern illegal immigrant is of little use. Face facts, all they do is slave away in sweatshops, mop up puke in rancid motel rooms, and provide fresh produce for native-born Yanks to enjoy.Like I could not do that myself.Yet the media lefties expect everyone to feel sorry for the poor bastards who sneak into civilized societies to avoid persecution back home.The plight of the groveling class is made perfectly clear in &quotDirty Pretty Things,&quot an outstanding yarn about the lengths Third Worlders will go to frolic in the land of the free.This is the story of one immigrant’s quest for justice amid a world where illegals are treated like dirt.Okwe, a Nigerian physician on the run in London, plays a man of high virtues who befriends hookers, morgue attendants and a slew of undocumented workers hiding from the British INS.Though skilled and highly educated, Okwe must scrape by in London Town as a taxi driver and hotel desk clerk. As such, he gets a ringside seat to the underbelly of London.&quotThe hotel business is about strangers who come in the night to do dirty things,&quot a Russian doorman tells Okwe during one unusual night shift. Okwe quickly turns into an African Colombo after he finds a human heart stuffed down a hotel toilet.Soon we learn that the hotel’s manager, a greasy character with a taste for booze, operates an illegal organ farm inside the hotel. Seems every illegal with a desire to live free will sell a kidney for a fake passport and transport to America.And you thought the refugees in &quotCasablanca&quot had it rough.Okwe wants to expose the chop shop, but can’t for fear that the British authorities will send him back to Nigeria and certain death. The drunken hotel boss uses that against Okwe and forces the good doctor to perform surgery on the desperate souls ready to trade organs for fast cash.None of this sits well with the Good Samaritan, who quickly proves that there is nothing more dangerous than a virtuous man.Things come to a dramatic boil when Okwe’s virginal roommate (Audrey Tautou) makes plans to lose a kidney in exchange for a chance to live free in New York.&quotDirty Pretty Things,&quot is ultimately a modern spin on the tale of Diogenes. Only this time, we have a righteous Nigerian in search of an honest man in the sewers of Jolly Old England.Until next time, Mr. Hernandez has left the theater to dine on sweetmeats.Nickey Hernandez is a former private investigator who frequently buys body parts on eBay.


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