New Year’s disillusions
Typically I try to do something constructive.Or healthy.Or benevolent.Or disciplined.Or gracious.But after a few years of very serious New Year’s resolutioning, I’m having second thoughts. It seems that, over the years, I’ve become a bit of a bland person.I don’t smoke, I eat organic foods, I use public transportation whenever appropriate, I contribute to charities and NPR, I ride Chair 10 as much as possible, lend snowboarders my ski poles on catwalks, pick up trash that others leave behind, recycle everything, give good advice to tourists, work to save the planet, imagine world peace, think globally, act locally, hug trees, celebrate diversity, eat free-range chicken, support sustainability, catch-and-release, conserve water, take only pictures, leave only footprints, drink only light beer, eat only fat-free cream cheese, yahdah, yahdah, yahdah.Frankly I’m concerned about myself.My list of vices is growing very thin, and I’m beginning to sense that my inner Tao is overburdened with too much yin and not enough yang, if you know what I mean.In other words, my soul is top-heavy. My inner architecture has plenty of function, but not enough form. Too much Apollo, not enough Dionysus.So this year I’ve resolved to bring back a few of my old favorite vices. Here’s a list of some of the evil activities up for consideration, many of which sustained me through a very boring, marginal career as a high-schooler: Stealing condiments and crackers from Two Elk. Pulling the e-brake in the Eagle-Vail pool parking lot. Skitching behind the T.O.V. bus. Egging golfers. Whitewashing my girlfriend. Smearing the inside of my buddy’s ski pants with Ben Gay. Cutting through the ski-school lift line. Greasing the doorknobs at Vail Resorts corporate headquarters. Pushing over snowboarders who struggle with catwalks. Explaining to visitors that the best way from PHQ down to the village is via Prima Cornice. Explaining to visitors that the finest bar in town is Cyranos. Explaining to visitors that the East Vail bus is the fastest way to Mid-Vail. Parking illegally. Sledding at Meadow Mountain. Resurrecting BB&B.So there you have it. I say it’s high time to return to life as an immature, mischievous miscreant. Enough with self-improvement, enough with being safe, saving the planet, working with children and helping build a better tomorrow, today.Enough Christmas cheer, roasting chestnuts and come all ye faithful. Let’s get back to having fun.Tom Boyd can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org or (970) 390-1585.