New Year’s Eve childcare |

New Year’s Eve childcare

Space is limited, so sign “em up now. Call 926-3764.

Get literate, help others

The Literacy Project is looking for volunteers to help with both adults and middle school students. The Literacy Project is a free tutoring program and requires volunteers to meet with their student two hours each week. Call 949-5026 and ask for Sloan.

Attorney hunting

This came to us from our buddy T.J., an esteemed member of the bar, who swears (he he he!) that he didn’t write this. It goes like this.

Hunting attorneys for sport has lately become somewhat of a past time for people. Enough so that the government has stepped in with new laws limiting such things as who can hunt them, how many can be hunted, and by what means.

1. Any person with a valid state hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove road kill to roadside, then proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout, “whiplash,” “ambulance!” or, “Free Perrier!” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to use designer labels, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of saloons, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty on the pelt.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, vermin and contagious diseases.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys.

Attorney bag limits:

Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder = 5

Hairless Civil Libertarian = 7

Skinny Ambulance Chaser = 12

Horse or Cattle Rustler Defender = 20

Silver-Tongued Murderer Defender = 50

Jack-Legged Divorce Litigator = No limit

Honest Attorney = Extinct

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