New Year’s resolutions even you can keep
Stop lying to yourself. You’re not going to lose 35 pounds by spring, unless you’re one of the Olsen twins, Mary Kate and Ashley, who could stand to gain 35 pounds. You’re not going to work out more, and unless you resolve to eat more french fries, you will keep no meaningful New Year’s resolutions.We, the Titans of Town Talk, who love you and want what’s best for you, have assembled a collection of New Year’s Resolutions even you can keep. We grabbed ’em from Beer Can Bob, Omid and Blaise K., after some exhaustive research – either that or we drank hot chocolate and surfed the Internet.New Year’s ResolutionsWe suggest you resolve to:– Break only one traffic law at a time.– Focus on the faults of others.From Beer Can Bob, we have:– I resolve not to call the morgue again when my husband passes out– I am not going to use any 4-letter words … except for BEER.
— I will love my boss, the next one may be worse!– To always carry a piece of chalk to outline people who pass out cold.To gain a few pounds. Perfection is not all it’s cracked up to be.– I will only throw up on people who are smaller than me. – Sonja, Las Vegas– I will avoid standing too close to Sonja from Las Vegas) at social gatherings. – Toulouse Wales, UK.– I will remember that cats and microwaves don’t mix.– Never again will I use dynamite during a fishing competition– I will save hard for my nuclear-winter skiing trip to Iraq.– Make regular cake distributions to the peasantry. – M. Antoinette, Versailles, France– I will not play with matches in National Parks.– GET THE ‘CAPS LOCK’ BUTTON ON MY KEYBOARD FIXED.
— Give generously to the poor and needy. (Terms and conditions apply. Offer ends midday Jan. 1, 2043.)– I will endeavour to control our schizophrenia.– Consume less beer. If that doesn’t work, consume more beer.From Blaise K. we get:– Re-stock contents of your nightstand drawer. — Be more self-absorbed: All me, all the time. — Start going for musicians again. Maybe that really was a good idea. — Exercise? You smoke way too much for that nonsense. From Omid Rahmat we get:– When presented with a choice of Carmen Electra, Peace on Earth, and an nForce board for Christmas, we resolve to choose the former for purely practical reasons. Peace on Earth is unattainable and apparently, so is an nForce board. So, go with Carmen and play it safe.
— Resolve to avoid trying moves on the dance floor that are best left to professionals. Some people shouldn’t be allowed near a circuit board with a soldering iron, and some people just should not dance at the office Christmas party.– Some people should resolve to spend more on next year’s Christmas presents. I mean how many Dilbert books is enough, and frankly, I never liked the dweeb in the first place, and just because I work here doesn’t mean I want to laugh at cubicle workers, and whatever happened to Calvin and Hobbes? From Matt “Liberal Lion” Zalaznick we have:– I resolve to keep the county blue, and learn to play the harp.Ski at lastIf you’re local and your ski pass has been restricted, Sunday is your independence day. The Christmas week season pass restrictions no longer will be in effect for Vail and Beaver Creek beginning 8:30 a.m. Sunday, Jan. 2, 2005, which is tomorrow.Design for cashYou can win $250 cash and 2 tickets to a performance at the Vilar Center in Beaver Creek by designing a logo for the new Freedom Park Memorial that will be located on the west side of the newly constructed lake in Berry Creek near the new Colorado Mountain College campus. The logo should be simple, dignified and emphasize that the true costs of freedom are the sacrifices of the many who have served in our armed forces and emergency services. Send entries to: P.O. 8542, Avon, 81620 by Jan. 1. Call Butch Mazzuca at 926-9111.Vail Colorado