Ogling at the big top
THE BRONCO CHEERLEADERS WERE HERE!THE BRONCO CHEERLEADERS WERE HERE!There, I had to get that out of my system. Thank you.I’ve been hiding those emotions like Saddam hides WMDs since last Thursday night, suppressing the joy for fear of prompting the ridicule and, perhaps, scorn from my lovely wife, all because I am a member of the male segment of our species. With regular male tendencies, no less.But you know how it is, right? So let’s just keep this between us and these pages. That way she’ll never find out.Events like that night just don’t happen very often here in Happy Valley. But when they do, they become manly fodder for the local media and real people too. We just can’t help ourselves; something or another in our jeans, I understand.So while there, I enjoyed a few free helpings from an Aussie place that was apparently giving food away out back, although I’d swear their location was out front, and then googled at the jigglies for a while, but other than that it was pure, unadulterated innocent fun.And, oh yeah, that Casa de Depot was opening at the same time, as I recall.Come to think of it, the entire grand opening event was like an old-fashioned barn raising, only the foundation, walls, roof and a few busty heifers were already in place. However, I didn’t mind, as there was important and interesting stuff to look at, some of the breast I’ve ever seen.But since I’ve already covered the Bronco cheerleaders (in my dreams), I guess I should mention some of the other “stuff” that was available to view and, as opposed to the pair of Silicon Barbies, actually touch.People. There were an awful lot of people walking around.Someone remarked it was like the first Hot Summer Nights concert of the season at the Ford Amphitheater. You remember, the one where you see friends and acquaintances that you haven’t laid eyes upon since last summer, and you spend the entire time talking about your kids and drinking wine coolers instead of paying attention to the band, which is always too busy up on stage attempting to attitudinally adjust to the altitude to really care if anyone’s listening anyway.It was just like that, only there wasn’t a band. And no booze.But did I mention there were Bronco cheerleaders?Anyway, it took me two hours to make it up and down only half of the 600 or so aisles. Why? Because every time I turned a corner I was running into (literally, in a few cases) someone I knew, and we would stop and chat for a brief moment.”Wow, this is really cool, isn’t it?” one of us would say.”Yep,” the other would reply. “It’s much bigger than I thought.”We’d both bobble our heads like a couple of backseat lap dogs while looking around the vicinity of the ceiling. The shelves are very tall.”I feel like I’m going to walk outside and be in Denver.””Yeah, but it’s not a two-hour drive home anymore!””Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” we’d laugh in unison.From there the conversation would continue downhill.”Just a few years ago I would’ve bet good money that this would never happen.””Bill Bennett would have taken that bet.””Who?””Never mind.” And on around the next corner I would travel.You know it’s a major Happy Valley event when local politikin’ talking heads show up in person to cut ribbons, or in this case, take turns attempting to break a bright orange two-by-four in half with their coincidentally hard heads.The board broke; the heads did not.I also saw legends-in-their-own-mind local media people (from TV, VD & VT), extremely happy people (do-it-y’urself types), extremely scared people (from competing area retail stores), extremely immature people (giggling while standing in line with me for the cheerleaders), and a few intoxicated people, who apparently stumbled over from Avon core-area bars in search of free food.The New York Times would have estimated 10,000 people were in attendance. But you know, 10 to 20 percent of that ain’t half bad.It’s funny but after nearly of decade of hemmin’ and hawin’, fussin’ and fightin’, bitchin’ and moanin’, I did not hear a single person in the crowd complainin’.Perhaps big boxes are, after all, a good thing for us little people of Happy Valley. Perhaps all those potential protesters were preoccupied at a planning party for prospective protest. Perhaps those who whine about the rooftop view from I-70 were simply biting their tongues while shopping.I guess we’ll have a much better feel for it in a few more weeks when that “other” box lifts its flaps for business.If we’re really lucky they’ll get the cheerleaders from Dallas this time.Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at email@example.com
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