On the Outside
Take aim, fire, reload. Do you see the Iraqi soldier traversing that hillside? He’s my target. I load up my rocket launcher and hit the trigger.BINGO.Dead enemy, points scored and just like that, I’m contributing to the war against tyranny, oppression and the American Way.The best part is, I can do it all from the butt-groove in my second-hand swivel chair.That’s because a new video game has arrived on the shelves called “Conflict: Desert Storm,” where hard-core patriots (such as myself) can blow away fierce Iraqi soldiers who want nothing more than to steal my freedom and kill my family.Like most video games, the best part about “Conflict: Desert Storm” is that the distinction between good and evil is clear. I don’t have to worry about whether it’s OK to kill some guy, and I don’t have to worry about his wife and mother crying and screaming at me about vengeance and justice. I’m the good guy (no matter what), and they’re the bad guys (no matter what). Life is simpler that way, right? That’s what I like about George W. Bush he’s got the same sense of good and evil as the people in my video game.Playing this game is cool, too, because I can hit pause right as my bullets are ripping an enemy soldier in half. I can go to the fridge, get a Coke, and as I’m taking a swig of America’s favorite symbolic drink I can look over and get a freeze-frame look at the corpse of America’s favorite symbolic enemy.To me, that’s an afternoon well spent.It fills me with pride and patriotism to hear the synthetic voices of my imaginary base commanders when they congratulate me on a successful mission. As the commercial for the game says: “Everyone’s a patriot, but only some people prove it.”I’m proving it by sitting in a chair until my ass hurts.The landscapes of Iraq are realistic, too. Not that I’ve been there, but all the people on TV news say everything there is brown, and there’s no movie theaters or culture there. They have these weapons factories all over the place and it seems like all they care about is making weapons and having the biggest military in the world. That’s definitely evil, going around trying to have the biggest military in the world, because there’s only one thing they want to do with that military and that’s invade other countries.This game is going to be right up there with some of my other favorites, like the one called “Jihad,” where you play the role of a Palestinian homicide bomber and score points by killing Israeli citizens. The only problem with that game is that you can only kill seven or eight Israelis at a time, and never 30 or more like in real life. Then there’s “Postal,” where you can be a postal worker with a gun and a flame thrower and mow down helpless small-town residents. Not that a postal worker would use a flame-thrower.That’s the one problem with some of these games, is that they’re not realistic enough. They get me psyched up for war, but the guys I kill hardly bleed, or I shoot them in the head and they just fall over when their head should explode or something.Still, video games are good training. Sitting in my chair I often think that our guys are really well prepared for battle in Iraq when we finally get over there and whoop their ass because all our guys play video games so they know exactly what war is like. And we understand the situation because we see the news on TV and even have video games about it, instead of the Iraqis who don’t even have TV probably and their government is always putting out a bunch of propaganda to make people think the U.S. is bad. I can’t believe Iraqis believe all that bullsh***. Every single street corner is filled with propaganda there, on billboards, and I hear they even have propaganda in their houses, in their living rooms and their kitchens and their goat-killing rooms or whatever. And they’re so stupid they don’t have no education to learn how to identify propaganda when it’s right in front of their faces. Morons.For good laughs surf to http://www.evilninja.net/buybush.htm, and to scream at Tom Boyd call (970) 390-1585 or write him sentences full of exclamation points at firstname.lastname@example.org.