One-sided opining in Happy Valley |

One-sided opining in Happy Valley

“Imagine a glorious summer morning …”

“What’s wrong with springtime?”

“Nothing’s wrong with springtime.”

“Well, I prefer mornings in the springtime.”

“OK, imagine a glorious spring morning, you are quiescently laying in a field of flowers …”

“Should-n’t it be a meadow instead of a field? A meadow sounds so much more appealing than a field, don’t you think?”


“Please. Continue.”

“Imagine a glorious spring morning, you are absorbing the delicious dawn in a beautiful meadow of burgeoning floral surrounded by a cornucopia of tulips and sunflowers, the warmth of the suns rays dance upon your skin …”

“I’m allergic to sunflowers. Can’t it be daffodils or roses or something that doesn’t keep me up at night with the sniffles? And too much sun can give you that malignant stuff. I’ve heard that’s bad for you.”

“What? Jeez, yeah, OK. It is a beautiful meadow of flowers and lush vegetation, but not the kind that makes people sneeze or their eyes swell with undeserved puffiness. And the sun’s rays are only dancing upon their skin because of the 125-SPF sunscreen they applied before the morning began, causing the death rays of El Sol to bounce harmlessly into oblivion, but of course not before completing their ambitious journey by beginning photosynthesis in the surrounding plant life.”

“Sounds good so far.”

“I thought you might think so.”

“Thank you.”

“You hear a sound …”

“What if I were deaf?”

” … Your sixth sense envisions the whirr of vibrations emanating from your right. You turn, and suddenly the meadow is filled with dozens of warm fuzzy puppies chasing thousands of monarch butterflies with the grace of a hundred dodo birds attempting to land along the palm tree lined shores of Bora Bora.”

“You mean they’re flipping around and falling all over the ground?”

“Yes, puppies do things like that.”

“I prefer cats.”

“But it won’t work with ca… . Never mind, OK, we’ll use the damn cats.”

“What have you got against cats?”

“I don’t have anything against cats. It’s just that, in my opinion, the scene works much better with cute little puppies, that’s all.”

“I think kittens are cute, too. I’m only going to keep following this commentary if you use kittens. No dogs.”

“You’re impossible, just forget it.”

“But I want to hear it. It’s a nice story, so far. Please don’t stop.”

“The cute little kittens are frolicking in the field – I mean, meadow – playfully chasing the flutter of thousands of beautiful buttercup-shaped butterflies, slowly coming toward you in a furry fairy dance of fables, the perfunctory purring rising in perfect rhythm with the beats of their air-filled leaps. The wind teases the tip of your nose with hints of jasmine and honey …”

“I’m allergic to honey.”

“I think you’re allergic to opinions other than your own and should simply stop listening.”

“But …”

“No buts, just turn around and walk away. That way you won’t have to hear what I have to say anymore.”

“But I just didn’t like the way you were saying it. What’s wrong with that? I can have opinions on stuff, too, you know.”

“Yes, yes, we all have opinions. But that doesn’t mean we all have to be on the same slope at the same time, or even the same mountain for that matter. You DO have the option of listening to mine or not.”

“But sometimes your opinions are OK.”

“Oh, thank you very much. I feel so much better knowing that you approve of what I have to say as often as a Clinton tells the truth.”

“Hey, that was a one-sided cheap shot.”

“So YOU say, but in my opinion it is a statement of common knowledge, fact to anyone with enough brain capacity to read and understand the wording on a “Hillary ’08” pledge pin. And if you insist on listening anymore to people like me within the confines of Happy Valley, you had better get used to it.”

“You mean …”

“Yes, listening to an opinion is the same as reading one, and turning the page is just as effective as …”

Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at

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