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Politics and other boring stuff

According to a recent Time magazine sidebar, over 1 billion birds are killed each year in the United States by flying into glass windows. A mere 121 million meet the same fate by way of hunters.Does this mean the federal government should hire more hunters?A cyclical proposition, perhaps, but one that could keep more than a few partisan politicians scratching their always appeasing heads for at least a moment or two.Either way, President Bush would probably respond, “Yep, let’s hire us a few more hunters because by killing more birds we can prevent more jet engines from becoming atmospheric vacuum cleaners, thus possibly saving the lives of millions of God-fearing American citizens who fly in God-blessed American-made airplanes.”Chances are 6-foot-4, two-faced, botox-babbling prune on stilts John Kerry would say, “No. The birds of the United States of America have every right all other American animals have, and therefore, if elected, I will propose the federal government pass legislation mandating all state governments become responsible for duct-taping giant X’s on all glass windows that pose a threat nationwide.”Confused? Good, that was my first objective.Not for you folks, though, but for my wife. She rarely reads anything I write (much less listens to anything of substance I have to say except for the occasional “Is that a new outfit, Honey?”). If she sees any words resembling anything whatsoever that has to do with politics, such as Time magazine, United States, Bush, Kerry, politicians, etc., then she most assuredly will not bother reading this column.That is my second objective.You see, yesterday was her birthday, and I didn’t give her anything.Nope, nary a single gift-wrapped box containing jewelry, a piece of cherry-laced chocolate from a heart-shaped container, or anything more than a few well-placed pecks of congrats. Not a single passionate tell-the-kids-to-go-play-in-the-street-because-we’re-busy-for-a-while (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) kiss.But today, I am.I’m asking each and every one of you who comes upon Lise Lorentzen Carnes today to give a quick little birthday smack on her cute Danish be-hind.Be polite and respectful, of course, but please, pop her a good one. Or even a quick pinch will do, as long as certain male types don’t keep their filthy little pinchers where they don’t belong any longer than necessary.Come on, it’ll be funny.She will be completely clueless as to why, and none of you will ruin the joke by telling on me, right?Riiiiight.She works up at Children’s Ski School in Beaver Creek, where she is a foreman or a supervisor or somesuch. I can’t remember which (to tell the truth, having never worked for the mountain in 20 years of living here; I don’t even know the difference between the two, but I’m sure most of you do). She usually arrives around 8-ish (not exactly known as a stickler for time clocks, if you know what I mean).By lunchtime, she’ll either be tipped off by some schmuck ruining the surprise or ticked off and spinning in circles as she walks to prevent anymore European-styled hands from making her rear-end sorer than a Beaver Creek snowboard S.P.O.R.E.When she comes home from work today, incessantly complaining about how “people wouldn’t leave my !@#* alone all *#&!@?! day!” I will calmly inquire as to the nature of her buttock issues.Once she is done screaming at me for my obviously painful ignorance to her peetootie plight, I will smile and politely ask her to change out of those stylish work clothes and into something a tad nicer.At this point, she will – hopefully – stop in her tirading tracks, smile, and ask me, “Why?”Suffice it say that my third and final objective is a very special birthday surprise for tonight (apart from one or two more butt slaps, of course), but unfortunately the surprise itself was not available on her actual birthday which, if you recall my logic up to this point, was still yesterday.Tonight we’ll have a very romantic dinner, laugh about all the “special attention” she received today, she will love me again while enjoying her real surprise (sorry, can’t say what it is here – I’m not a complete idiot, you know), and her rear will retain its normal shape in a few days (no jokes, please).But this will only work if you good Vail Daily readers help me by participating in my request and remembering and repeating the following motto: What happens in the Vail Daily, stays in the Vail Daily.Thank you.Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.Weekly columnist Richard Carnes of Edwards can be reached at poor@vail.net


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