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Porn again

Mike Larkin

I’m not a big fan of porn. I know, you hear that from all the guys.But I am definitely not seeking porn on my office computer when I am at work. This being the case I still get random, unsolicted e-mail for enlargers, clamps, oils and several other things that I’m not sure exactly what they do. All of them purportedly erotic — most of them obviously painful. And the ads seem to be getting raunchier.I thought it was just my sensitive puritanical upbringing that had me cringing at these ads of late but I realized It’s not just me that noticed the raunch going through the roof.Wired magazine just reported that the porn industry is getting more aggressive in its advertising, a sign that perhaps the $4 billion industry is reaching a saturation point. There is a bottom to every well — no matter how well-lubricated with strawberry flavored oil that well may be. Good lord, now they have me talking like tham!I obviously dragged my foot in something while out traipsing around the internet. I left my name somewhere accessible to every porn purveyor this side of the Eiffel tower and they all want me as a customer.”Mike, have you ever considered [expletive deleted] with five housewives? Get ready for ‘Horny Housewives IV’!” The picture shows housewives doing housewife-type things only with a lot more sex involved. No, I hadn’t ever considered that, but now that is has been pointed out to me that this is what housewives do all day I might consider chasing my original dream of being a Pool Man.Why am I getting this e-mail?I don’t order much online or leave my name on mailing lists or anything and yet they have found me. I’m worried that someone at Amazon gave my name to them because I ordered a copy of “Lovely Bones.” Some guy in shipping thinks I’d be into some other resources that involve either “lovely” or “bone” in the title and all of a sudden I’m getting an avalanche of “Too Young for the Internet” spams.Maybe I’m too young for the internet.It’s funny that the first thing we do with the greatest communication tool man ever invented is post naked pictures of ourselves. Or our housewives.I’ve tried to get off of these spam lists but I think my efforts have exacerbated the problem. I get this funny feeling when I’m on anti-spam.com filling out a form for them to mass e-mail to spammers telling them of my desire not to be informed of the latest innovations in body oils that I’m actually Talking to the spammers. I’m worried they set up this dummy site just to get even more names and e-mails. They’re sitting there foaming at the mouth as poor suckers like me tell them all of the e-mail addresses we don’t want to see porn ads in.I came up with what I thought was an ingenious method to figure out who’s selling my name. I would give fake names when magazines or websites asked for it. This worked well except I forgot who I gave which fake name to. Now when I get “Enrique Larkin, do you ever wish for more lovemaking stamina” I know someone sold me out but I can’t remember who.What I’m really worried about is that someday, god forbid, I’m in a coma or something and one of my friends or relatives decides to comb through my inbox to maybe get a feel of who I was through my e-mails and they find nothing but twisted pictures of “Girls on the Farm.” They are going to interpret my entire life through that misunderstanding.I gotta get off these lists pronto.


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