Praise the Lord and pass the Pampers
To date, the 21st century has not been a good one for liberals. It began with the myth of Y2K not shutting down our country’s commerce and infrastructure – thus robbing all us former hippies the joy trying to live off the land with our wind-up computers and solar-powered espresso machines.It went downhill from there.”W” beat Gore in the first election of the century. I’m not one of those liberals who maintains the Republicans stole the election. I can only speak for this Democrat when I say I would have stolen it for my side had I the chance. As far as I’m concerned, the GOP swiped it fair and square; we donkeys need to get over it. The election of 2004, though not giving the “Bushman” a mandate, did leave little question as to the will of the people. Not only have we liberals lost the White House, but the Senate, House and Supreme Court as well. Even the Super Bowl halftime shows have taken a conservative turn. The fact that W’s public approval numbers are currently lower than Michael Jackson’s has done little to soothe those of us with a moderate mindset. Now, granted there have been some left-wing victories. Tom Delay indicted, Strom Thurmond exposed, Scooter Libby shooting off his mouth and Dick Cheney shooting attorneys has provided some balm to our liberal wounds. But any positive step my party has made was negated last week with the release of a much awaited study published in Foreign Policy Magazine by researcher Philip Longman.The long and short of it is this: My people are not breeding.Actually, we might be breeding (I’ve never been one to play hard-to-get), but we are not reproducing. On the other side of the procreation paradigm, the conservatives are birthing like bunnies. Mr. Longman uses the comparison of Vermont and Utah. Vermont – with its socialist congressman and endorsement of same-sex unions – has a birthrate 42 percent lower than that of Utah. In fact, the red states are reproducing at an average rate 20 percent above the blue. Some attribute this to the popularity of country music.In the Beehive State, the explanation is simple: Utah has a large population of Mormons. It’s no secret that Mormonism promotes large families, which certainly does more to up the baby count than Vermont’s fondness for same-sex marriages. But this lack of baby parity is not confined to the devotees of Brigham Young. Across the country, conservatives are reproducing at a rate that puts liberals to shame. Of course, you can attribute much of this to religion. The right is the chosen party for many Mormons, evangelicals, born-agains and conservative Catholics. The concept of “Go forth and multiply” for these groups has nothing to do with math. His Holy Father Pope Benedict maintains the only god-endorsed birth control is the rhythm method; which is why Catholics prefer bingo to dancing.Now, of course, my fear is that since my people are not reproducing as prolifically as the competition, we could some day grow extinct – and try as they might, the Kennedys cannot carry the ball for all of us. We all are aware of the current administration’s reluctance to place any creatures on the endangered species list (which could thwart development), so there will be no help from that quarter.But this strategy praising the Lord and passing the Pampers could backfire on the GOP for a couple of reasons. First, we all know how expensive children are. Since the Republicans are having more of them – and since they are less likely to endorse social programs to help working parents – perhaps they will have less money left over to support conservative candidates. Secondly, most kids think their parents are total losers. That said, a child’s worst nightmare is to become just like their parents. Take my family, for instance: six kids raised by two staunch conservatives, we are split down the middle politically. Try as my parents might to indoctrinate my five siblings and me into the party of Richard Nixon, three went over to the “dark-side” (my father’s term for Democrats).All that considered, I don’t see my mate and me deviating from our commitment to keep our nest empty. Not only am I too old to become a first-time parent, but with the abundance of powder days this winter romance, has to be squeezed into periods of high-pressure zones. But I will urge all you liberals, if you are so inclined, to do your part to populate our species. And for all you conservatives, for God’s sakes, get a satellite dish.Jeffrey Bergeron under the alias of Biff America can be seen on RSN, heard on KOA radio, and read in several newspapers and magazines. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.Biff’s book “Steep, Deep and Dyslexic” is available from local book stores or at Backcountrymagazine.com Vail, Colorado
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