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Predictions for the new year

Barry Smith

Gosh, can you believe it? Two thousand and three. Wow, I mean, did you ever think? No, really. Wow.That’s what people will be saying for the next few weeks. You mark my words.I’ve done my share of new year’s predictions over the years, and I’ll be the first to admit that my success record isn’t the greatest. For example, Hee Haw – The Movie has yet to be made, there are no drive-thru parking lots, and my vision of an expanded offering of aerosol delivered foods (Beef Whiz, Tuna Whiz, Beer Whiz, Salad Whiz, etc…) never really saw the light of day. Also, and perhaps most embarrassingly, chairs are still legal.But I see no reason to stop now. It’s a new year, and that means new hope. It also means, and I really feel it for this year, Sanford And Son – The Movie.PREDICTIONS FOR 2003 A technological breakthrough will revolutionize the bird-feeder industry. Many people, while still getting used to the new year, will absentmindedly write “1963” on their checks. The ability to clone humans will be the new litmus test for religious sects, with the bar being set by the Raelians, the group who believe that humans are the result of alien DNA experiments. If you haven’t cloned you up a brood of overall-wearing, pledge-of-allegiance-reciting little towheads, then you’ll have no business calling yourself a religious sect.On the down side, this will mean more door-to-door solicitation manpower. However, it will also mean more baked goods, handmade wicker furniture, lovingly crafted jellies and jams and colorful, punchline-generating mass suicides. A technological breakthrough will revolutionize the shoe horn industry. A cell phone will be designed that is so tiny that it doesn’t actually exist, forcing its users to shout even louder. A technological breakthrough will revolutionize the toothpick industry. Based on the success of the Euro, America will attempt to introduce a new form of standardized currency, the “Burro.” Under the new plan, piles of donkey excrement will be considered legal tender for all debts. Due to the availability of this new “cash,” poor donkey farmers will be the richest people in America, and once wealthy city dwellers (except for those who have burros) will be the new poor. People who were already poor and don’t have access to donkey crap will pretty much continue life as usual. The resulting and oddly unexpected shift in buying power will force the program to be dismantled and everything will return to normal before 2004. In years to come, the “Burro” concept will be considered only slightly more successful than the Sacagawea dollar coin. Terrorism – The New Black. A technological breakthrough will revolutionize the way we blink. Jesus will return and will immediately be arrested and executed just like every 20 years or so. People will see through the empty promise of the digital age and flock instead to the comfort of books, handwritten letters and conversational dinner parties. However, they’ll come to their senses when they realize this means no more “Rare pics of celebs having sex.” Oversize hats for women.Aspen-based writer Barry Smith moves his lips while writing this column, and hopes you do the same while reading it. E-mail him at barry@irrelativity.com or visit his Web page at http://www.Irrelativity.com.


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