Pucker up for ‘Fear Factor’
Hold the phone. Stop the presses. And, um, would you mind turning up the television?By now, everyone knows video killed the radio star. These days it’s apparently looking to take out a few newspaper columnists as well.Actually, you need not be an intrepid print journalist to contribute to the latest round of reality bytes currently peaking in popularity on the small screen. You don’t even need to be a sappy, lovelorn poet with hot pecs. All you need to do is show up in Breckenridge this Sunday, Feb. 23, with a pen, ID showing you are over 21, recent photo of yourself and an appetite for pig anus.If you get the “poet” reference, your stomach’s probably already strong enough to choke back a rectum or two. And if you’ve ever seen NBC’s “reality” series “Fear Factor,” then you know that won’t be out of bounds when you show up to answer the open casting call at the Breckenridge Ski Resort from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. on Sunday, Feb. 23.For those energetic, enthusiastic and outgoing contestant candidates who haven’t had the pleasure of enduring a “Fear Factor” episode, it works something like this: A group of six contestants (three male and three female), preferably with some pretty sweet pecs and a tasty rump of their own, meets up with host Joe Rogan at some random locale to “decide if they have the guts and determination to face their most primal fears” for a $50,000 paycheck.Rogan has a few laughs while the contestants eat grubs, get shocked by electric eels, run around on skyscraper ledges and are buried in a coffin full of worms with a straw in their mouths, then he hands over a check to the one who does it best.While they won’t say exactly what contestants can expect to do should they receive the call to be cast in the show, the NBC Web site (www.nbc.com) does list the top five rejected stunts suggested by viewers. If you decide to compete, rest assured you won’t be asked to do any of the following:1. Eat cat feces.2. Go to a slaughter house for an "entrail dip."3. Wear a crawfish diaper for three to four minutes.4. Ride a motorcycle backwards over a jump5. Spend five minutes with my wife.For the record, you may be asked to eat buffalo testicles. I’m not exactly sure where they draw the line.I am pretty certain, however, that there are at least 50 people I know personally in this valley who could win the 50K blindfolded, given the proper combination of energy, enthusiasm and outgoing-ness. But since few of them actually read the newspaper and probably won’t learn of this opportunity until roughly a week after the opportunity has passed them by, I’m offering this little conciliation contest of my own, lacking in any true challenge or prize money, but arguably superior in mental stimulation to the mind-numbing impact of reality TV.Keep in mind, these are essay questions, which remain for many of us the most scary thing in life. But without further adieu, grab your pen, tack a recent photo of yourself on the wall, rustle up a bowl of Rocky Mountain oysters and have at it.1. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?2. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp that no normal person would ever eat?3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?4. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?5. Why are Trix only for kids?6. Why does Goofy stand erect and wear clothes while Pluto remains nekked on all fours? Aren’t they both dogs?Extra Credit: Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?7. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?8. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?9. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?10. Why is a person that handles your money called a “Broker?”11. What do you call male ballerinas?12. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?13. Why is it that people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?14. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?Scott Willoughby is a Road Rules scholar and freelance writer living in Minturn. Feel free to -email your answers to Scott_Willoughby@hotmail.com.
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