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Questions and answers

Barry Smith

Popular music is full of questions. Here are some possible answers.WHO YOU GONNA CALL?- I’m gonna dial the number for the local time and temperature, but I’m gonna pretend it’s Santa Clause and that I’m telling on you. Then maybe you’ll stop coming in my room and messing with my stuff.- Home Shopping Network. Ab Roller closeout.- I was gonna call Ghostbusters, but they don’t seem to be listed in the white pages, and I’ve checked the yellow pages under “paranormal activity,” “psychic phenomenon,” “haunting” and “poltergeist,” and I don’t see them anywhere, so I may just call Dominos.WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?- I’m serious! Who did it?! How many times do I have to tell you that the sliding glass door has to be shut ALL the way, otherwise Mr. Dingles can open it with his nose?- PETA. Thought they were being used for medical experiments.- I did. They were scratching at the door and whining. Sorry. Was I not supposed to?- Johnnie Cochran. “If the little sweater don’t fit, you must acquit.”WHO ARE YOU?- Bernie, from down the hall. You wanna keep the noise down?- Sgt. Stadanko. Open up.- Interesting question. Who is anyone, really, but a collection of preferences and prejudices they have amassed through their life, causing each to react to the same stimuli, both internal and external, in different manners, forming what we know as our personality? Can you spare some change?- Joe. Joe Mama! Ha, ha, ha.WHERE IS THE LOVE?- Bedroom dresser, middle drawer, under the T-shirts.- http://www.hotslutzluv.com- There! Behind you! Missed it. Too slow.DON’T YOU WANT ME?- Well, yeah … for a little while.- No. Mostly I need you, but over time I suppose I could learn to want you.- Yes, you’ve made it clear that you don’t believe me when I say that I won’t see you, but we’re just not hiring at the moment.WHY DO BIRDS SUDDENLY APPEAR EVERY TIME YOU ARE NEAR?- Just like me, they long to peck your evil eyes out.- More important, why are they canaries?- You have the personality of a statue.WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?- Everything. Sign here.- Help me out … what answer do I need to give to get you to take your clothes off?- Look, lady, I’m just here to fix the toilet, you’re the one who keeps bringing up love.WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE?- Attracted to each other’s jester hats, pointy shoes, etc…- Mistake “love” for “itchiness.”- Look, just a simple “no” will be fine, you don’t have to call me a fool.- Same reason they fall in open manholes.WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO?- Hanging out behind the liquor store smoking cigarettes.- Starbucks.- In the corner, sulking.- Costa Rica. Cheap flights this time of year.WHERE, OH WHERE, HAS MY LITTLE DOG GONE?- Maybe hanging around with our love, who also seems to be MIA.- To live with a family that doesn’t make him wear sweaters and call him “Mr. Dingles.”- Hollywood. Scooby Doo 3 auditions.- Tuesday Lunch Special at El Taco Bonanza.WHY DON’T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD?- Duh. Road rash.- Not wearing my reflective underwear.- Because you’re a figment of my imagination.- Can’t we build up to it, maybe try doing it in a driveway first?- Hello? Traffic surveillance cameras? EVERYONE will be watching us. VTContact Barry Smith at barry@irrelativity.com or visit his Web page at http://www.Irrelativity.com.


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