Random ramblings … and Ryan
Some rather random television viewing this past week sparked some rather random notes from “This Columnist” the random-note format being the ultimate columnist cop-out and a great way to avoid writing about anything truly substantive.First off, Wednesday’s Bachelorette: Former CU defensive back and current Vail firefighter Ryan Sutter’s ultimate test of female worthiness is whether they’ll slide down the fire pole? Wow, that’s subtle symbolism. Based on the number of e-mails I’m receiving from Ryan’s admirers (stalkers) around the country, there are no shortage of women willing to slide down his pole. Sure, he has a hot bod (though his shoulder is reportedly a bit suspect after blowing it out playing special teams for the Carolina Panthers), but this guy will never be mistaken for Robert Frost. Sutter is not a poet, and doesn’t seem to know it. Conspiracy theory du jour: Ryan is a ringer. He’s not actually a firefighter, but he plays one on TV in the greatest faux marketing scam since Dennis Mack “got the axe” at the Eagle. Let’s just hope no Vail tax dollars were spent in the perpetuation of this national hoax. Vicious rumors I’m compelled to spread (watch me now, I’m Dominick Dunne): Trista is preggers with Ryan’s love child (conceived atop Vail Mountain) and she’s in seclusion until she has the kid, which is why, even though she picked Ryan in Hollywood’s version of a shotgun wedding, we haven’t seen her on his arm at Fubar. OK, seriously though, can anyone see Trista hanging anywhere in Vail, wearing jeans and Sorels? Not this Cali girl. Ryan clearly doesn’t make the final cut.On to Sunday’s Super Blowout: For a Bronco fan, the only thing sweeter than seeing the orange and blue collect the Lombardi Trophy is seeing the silver and black squashed in the big game. Al Davis has a way of alienating former coaches and having them return to haunt him. Mr. “Just Whine, Baby” once dumped our own Mike Shanahan, who has dominated the Faders ever since (this year notwithstanding) and had to be grinning nearly as widely as Jon “Chucky” Gruden on Super Sunday. I only wish former county commissioner and diehard Raiders fan James Johnson was still around to heap abuse upon and to win another six-pack from. The Osbournes aside, this year’s crop of commercials seemed tepid at best. I miss the dot.com ads. Solid halftime jams. Gwen Stefani and Sting breaking out of the lip-synch mode with an old Police song blew past performances away, most notably pop pap by Creed and Britney Spears.And finally, W’s State of the Onion address on Tuesday: I know I’m in the minority of my fellow, war-mongering Coloradans, but nothing the prez said changed my mind about waging a conventional war in Iraq (see last week’s column). If anything, I’m even more in favor of stepped-up covert ops and funding of rebel factions (ala Afghanistan) while the U.N. does its thing. The whole Hitler-appeasement-Neville Chamberlain argument doesn’t wash. Saddam is no threat to overrun the region, and the only way to fix the Middle East (where, to me, countries like Saudi Arabia, Syria and Iran are way scarier) is to solve Israel, which also, by the way, is in violation of a whole slew of U.N. resolutions. Is it me, or should the leader of the free world, with his finger poised over the proverbial button, at least be able to pronounce the word “nuclear”? I think both political parties should be issued a maximum number of applause opportunities (say 20) and an even smaller number of standing ovations (maybe five) at the beginning of the speech. This could be expedited with game show-style applause signs. The second coming of George seems to be following in the footsteps of the first: economy tanks, wage a $200 billion war in Iraq to take everyone’s minds off it, and exit after one term. Instead of “No new taxes,” it’s “Read my lips, I’ll cut taxes.” Lastly, we started the year with 16 inches of fresh and have had squat since. I warned you people about karma and keeping the snow gods happy. That obviously hasn’t been happening. Anyone know why? See the above items.
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