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Real men do it with mutants

Nickey Hernandez

Enough already with Saddam, Bin Laden, Al-Qaeda and all the other punk-ass, non-threats to America, because the only thing we really have to fear are renegade mutants.Tell me why I should remember a cave-dwelling senile Saudi son of a bitch like Bin Laden when the world crawls with super-powerful mutants that carry Weapons of Mass Destruction in their heads?Yes, mutants are among us and the circus freak Lobster Boy is not one of them.But did George W. Bush talk about this very real threat to liberty as he strutted like a Top Gun ace on the USS Abraham Lincoln? Nope. Not gonna do it. That’s because unlike the over-hyped and totally inept &quotelite&quot Republican Guard, mutants won’t wet themselves over a few smart bombs.The real question Bush should ask is, &quotAre you with us or are you with the mutants?”Naturally, the United Nations ignores the spread of Mutantism, even after a rogue brigade of supernatural nearly destroyed every world leader in the original &quotX-Men&quot film from 2000.Fortunately, we captured the top evil-doing mutant – an all-powerful being named Magneto – at the end of the three-year old sci-fi drama. But American justice turned soft and placed Magneto in a jail cell instead of popping a few caps in his ass.So is anyone surprised that Magneto escapes and causes more trouble in &quotX-2,&quot a rocking cool sequel that once again pits the forces of bad mutants against their benevolent brothers at the Xavier School for Gifted Children.A hot-looking squad of friendly freaks, led by Charles Xavier, Wolverine, Storm, and Dr. Jean Grey, head up the good mutant team. Magneto and his oh-so-molestable mutant babe, Mystique, played by supermodel Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, stand in the opposite corner.In the middle is Gen. William Stryker, a Dr. Strange-loving, Donald Rumsfeld-like government crazy, who convinces the president to launch a covert operation against the mutants’ lair.Unfortunately, the government boys attack the good guys at the Xavier academy, not Magneto.Things quickly go Mogadishu-bad for the military boys, who find out the hard way that regime change is a tough task when all-powerful beings are involved.We soon learn that Stryker has a secret plan to kill off every mutant in the world. His crazy plot involves turning Dr. Xavier’s powerful brain into a mind-melding murderous machine.Magneto is called upon to save his friend and now rival, Xavier. But since evil is as evil does, Magneto doublecrosses everyone and tries to wipe out the human race.The comic book plot gets wild and crazy whenever the mutant factions face off. We even get a marvelous fight scene between Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and a deadly mutant dragon lady with nine-inch nails of steel.This is one gal that will &quotlove you long time&quot and dissect you in the process.Until next time, Mr. Hernandez has left the theater to mutate.Nickey Hernandez is a former private investigator who is definitely with the mutants.


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