Richard Carnes: Christmas gifts for Vail Valley
With no time to waste, here is this year’s list of what I wish for the following people (or “things”) to find underneath their respective Christmas trees on Thursday morning.
Denver Broncos: A way to beat the Chargers this Sunday.
Mike Shanahan: A graceful way out if they don’t.
Vail Resorts leadership: Their hold jobs back on Wall Street where they belong.
Vail Resorts headquarters: A new home back where the “V” belongs.
Bill Jensen: His old job back.
Ever Vail: A new name that doesn’t conjure images of Peter Pan.
Timber Ridge: New and better lighting (so renters can watch the paint peel at night).
Michael Cacioppo: A muzzle (pocket-sized for quick access).
Vilar Performing Arts Center: A respectable name change.
The Vilar Name-Change Committee: A timer.
Alberto Vilar: A little plastic nameplate with a row of colorful LEDs so while in prison he can still see his name “in lights.”
Vail Town Council: A photo of their $2 million flaming water pistol at the top of Bridge Street as the cover sheet for their “2009 Budget Cuts” folder.
Eagle County commissioners: An emergency mill levy decrease to balance out the forthcoming property tax increase.
Eagle County manager: A name.
Lee “Dog Killer” Jensen: A long, continuous stream of nightmares about a pack of sweet chocolate Labs with giant, poison-spiked tongues.
Crowley (the dog): A pain-free entrance to doggy heaven.
David “Child Sue-er” Pfahler: His very own private ski run.
Scott (the child) Swimm: Every other ski run in the world.
Former Sen. Ted (It’s a series of tubes!) Stevens: A dial-up Internet connection in his prison cell.
Soon-to-be-former Illinois Gov. Blagojevich: The opportunity to “auction” cigarettes from cell to cell.
Bernard Madoff: A pyramid-shaped prison cell (he makes Vilar’s crime look like a parking ticket).
Republican Party: A reprieve from Sarah Palin, magical beings and “Drill baby, drill.”
Democratic Party: Four years straight of the media reminding everyone who will listen about Sarah Palin, magical beings and “Drill baby, drill.”
Big 3 CEOs: Three financial brooms to manually clean up the mess they created.
American taxpayer: Broom-making materials.
Shoe-throwing Iraqi reporter: A clue.
Still-President Bush: Points for ducking.
Soon-to-be-President Obama: A rule requiring all foreign journalists to attend press conferences barefooted.
Don Rogers: He’s no longer living in the Village of Depressed Gardeners, so he already has his gift.
Lise Carnes: Whatever she wishes for, as long as it fits the (new) budget.
My driver (the one in my golf bag): The ability to follow a straight line (in a circular pattern).
My secular friends: Another year of helping others discover rational thought while enjoying a life free from dogmatic delusions and fears.
My sectarian friends: The realization that you don’t have to believe in magic to enjoy the magic of Christmas.
And for everyone: I sincerely hope you receive whatever you wish for, as long as that wish is logical, affordable, reasonable, does not use fossil fuels, is nice to the environment, makes you feel good about yourself, leaves no one else in debt, helps the economy, promotes charitable organizations, contains no Chinese lead, and does not offend Allah.
Merry Christmas, Happy Valley.
Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily, as he has for nine years now. He can be reached at email@example.com.