Richard Carnes: Cortisone for the brain
Did you happen to be conscious last Friday between the hours of 9 a.m. and 6 p.m.? Yes sir, that was one of the neatest summers I have had the pleasure of experiencing since moving here some 25 years ago.
Clear skies (blemished only by the flaming yellow orb), hot temperatures (sizzling by Rocky Mountain standards, but Texans would call it a Blue Norther), and enough humidity to actually make a grown man sweat on a golf course. A real scorcher.
Now it’s time to sit back and wait for the leaves to change in anticipation of the first snow.
Anyway, I happened to be a participant in a local golf tournament that brilliant summer day. Not that I really participated (“in attendance” is more like it), but the 50 or so two-man teams spent the entire “summer” spanking whitey and discussing typical Eagle County shenanigans, much of which was overheard between shots (and golf swings):
“Somebody buys the Colorado River Ranch for $10 million barely two years ago and now wants to sell it to the public for more than $13 million or else they threaten to keep trying to develop it?”
Sounds to me like “somebody” was either invested in Madoff or insured by AIG.
“I heard the Four Seasons project has 24-hour security now.” Maybe they’re test marketing for their topless pool.
“I know this guy whose $26 million house is now on the market for only $18 million, and he had to fire his private chef to boot.” Wow, how on earth will his family ever eat?
“Man, I can’t believe how quickly rental prices are dropping around here.”
Yes, almost as quickly as retail sales.
“Have you taken your dog over to the Eagle River Preserve yet?”
No, he doesn’t care for fences or listening to the highway.
“Like fine wine, French cheese and golf swings, most of us mellow with age.”
Tell that to the 88-year-old racist killer at the Holocaust Museum.
“Why would Jay change his grip the day before a big tournament?”
Some things even I cannot comment on.
“Hey Richard, I looked again, but couldn’t find a non-sequitur anywhere in your ‘Stick with rationality’ column.”
That makes you, me and everyone else who read it, save for one.
“Has that dog been back in your drainage pipe?”
No, it’s now electrified to fry anything that gets close. Except children, of course, they’re merely shocked.
“Didn’t some guy recently refer to your ramblings as mind-numbing?”
Hence this week’s title.
Once summer ended, we returned for Saturday’s final rounds and the shoot out to crown this year’s golf champions. With high winds, pounding rains and near freezing temperatures, the winner was an Englishman and his guest, who I believe is of English descent. What a shocker. It’s almost as if the Brits felt right at home.
Hope all of you enjoyed summer as well. If we’re lucky, maybe next year it will last two full days.
E-mail Carnes at firstname.lastname@example.org.
For 40 years, Eagle’s Community Helpline has been a living example of the axiom that giving begins at home.