Richard Carnes: The stars say it all
Not that we need excuses, but the Democratic National Convention is currently providing us with a great reason to stay away from Denver.
No offense, my Front Range friends who help fund Happy Valley during the winter, but I’d rather spend 10 hours stuck in a blizzard on Vail Pass behind a jackknifed 18-wheeler leaking mag chloride directly on my windshield than 10 minutes stuck on I-25 waiting for The Deliverer to speak this week.
So from my quiescent perch high up in the Rockies, with only 70 days until the election and now that Joe Biden is the new John Edwards (“ib a bad omen” is an anagram for “Obama-Biden” pronounced with an uncomfortable lisp), now is as good a time as any to see where things stand, which in most cultures means who the current so-called experts think has the advantage heading towards November.
And of course, no analysis is complete without checking in with our woo-woo friends first.
Obama is a Leo, McCain a Virgo, so naturally we should study, in depth, which astrological sign should be responsible for running the free world for the next four years.
Let’s see, Herbert Hoover was a Leo, as well as Bill Clinton, therefore pure unsubstantiated logic dictates if a Leo wins we’ll either experience another Great Depression or we will all be thoroughly depressed by another chubby white girl in a blue dress.
LBJ and William Taft were Virgos, which means we could continue fighting wars overseas or all become geriatric pacifists.
Although science proves there is more gravitational effect in play from you suddenly dropping this paper to the ground (go ahead, try it), we are all painfully aware that there’s nothing like tiny pinpoints of fuzzy light billions of light-years away having a direct effect upon our political decision-making processes.
Advantage: McCain – Conservatives appear to have a lock on anything involving the woo-woo.
Numerologists claim McCain’s “Life Purpose Number and day of birth are both Master Number 11’s, and his Personal Year in 2008 is also an 11,” therefore he has that going for him (Cue: Carl Spackler from Caddyshack). Yet Obama also is in a “very powerful Master Number Year in 2008, which matches his day of birth and it’s in perfect harmony with his Life Purpose Master Number as well.”
Advantage: Obama – according to the numerologist Web site providing the above quotes (I swear I didn’t make any of it up), the junior senator from Illinois will win because of a “Pythagorean Numerology secret,” and we all know what that means.
Moving right along…
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recently declared Obama a “leader that God has blessed us with at this time,” yet she does not supply details as to which deity is providing said blessing or how she came to claim this little sanctimonious tidbit as fact.
McCain now claims “the only reason why I’m here today is because I believe that a higher being has a mission for me in my life, a reason for me to be here.” He says this in spite of the fact that in his own book, “Faith of My Fathers,” he discussed at length the driving faith in his life has been devotion to country, honor and the integrity ingrained in him by his military family, and it was his cellmates who kept him going and enabled him to survive Vietnam imprisonment. In other words, it has been real people.
Advantage: Neither, as the magical-being crowd appears to be split down the self-righteous middle at this time.
But enough make-believe, for now we have the approval of media-conducted “science,” which clearly states Obama has been on the cover of Time Magazine seven times in the last year, McCain only twice, therefore it is painfully obvious which candidate simply must win.
All of this leaves us in a current tie for the lead, unless one wishes to consider last week’s delightfully serious debate over which candidate has the bigger personal balance sheet and owns the most houses, in which case I must sway towards John McCain and his alcohol-profiteering wife’s family.
But perhaps we should just wait and see who McCain picks for his VP before jumping to such simplistic conclusions. I, for one, am squeezing my eyes shut and hoping to Zeus he picks Mitt Romney, as anyone that clings to ancient superstitions while wearing magic underwear will allow the next half-dozen columns to write themselves.
NOTE: The preceding opinions belong to Richard and are not necessarily shared by this newspaper … but for as yet undecided reasons, he thinks they should be.
Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a column for the Daily on Tuesdays. He can be reached at email@example.com.