Richard Carnes: Want my vote? Don’t do the following …
“Washington is a cesspool filled with political insiders …,” claims one of the first ads on TV for the upcoming election season in a deep, though relatively touching, James Earl Jones-styled voice.
Wow, that’s about as original as claiming apres bars in a ski town are filled with drunken tourists.
After this eye-opening statement, the ad continues on about some joker named Ken Something (the name, as well as the party affiliation, is irrelevant, for both sides spew the same verbal vomit) who promises, if elected, not to do “business as usual” in D.C.
Yes, and LeBron James promised to bring a title to Cleveland. The more things change, the more politicians stay the same.
Come on, boys and girls, don’t blow smoke up our collective backsides with promises you know damn well are impossible to keep. Just how stupid do you think we really are?
Wait, it’s not polite to answer rhetorically self-evident questions.
So, out of respect for all current and aspiring politician wannabes, here are a few tips that, in my humble opinion, greatly influence whether you might receive my vote this fall.
If you promise change, I will not vote for you.
If you promise a return to (insert religion of choice) morals and values of yesteryear, I will not vote for you.
If you have someone call my home for the purpose of receiving my opinion on you as a candidate, or worse, you robo-call, I will not vote for you.
If you blame your opponent for our current problems, I will not vote for you. Same holds true for your opponent.
If you blame Obama for our current problems, I will not vote for you.
If you blame Bush for our current problems, I will not vote for you.
If you blame Clinton, the first Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford or Nixon for our current problems, I will not vote for you. (Note: Chances are pretty good, however, that I can be swayed a tad when it comes to Carter.) If you claim, as another TV ad currently running does, that now is not the time to raise energy taxes on the oil and gas industry, ixnay on the otvay (remove the word “energy,” though, and I completely agree).
Listen carefully: The only statement more moronic than “Drill baby, drill” is claiming to promote natural gas as “clean energy.” Natural gas is no more clean energy than BP is an “ethical company.”
You might as well promote healthy cigarettes, fat-free doughnuts and virgin prostitutes. Watch HBO’s documentary “Gasland” and follow up with research on your own, and I all but guarantee you will reach similar conclusions as the rest of those with IQs higher than Happy Valley’s unemployment rate.
But I digress.
As I was saying, each of the above holds true for my potential vote regardless of your stand on any particular issue, so I hope you are starting to see the big picture.
Now, good luck, and get out there and pimp those shallow ideologies you love to hide behind!
Oh yeah, and don’t forget to show a little truth in your advertising, along with a dash or two of integrity.
It couldn’t hurt.