Runaway Man’s takeoff aborted |

Runaway Man’s takeoff aborted

NOTE: Every few days we take a stroll through local police reports looking for general human silliness. It’s not difficult to find. This stuff is funny for many reasons, mostly because it’s not happening to us … this time.

EAGLE-VAIL –Runaway Man was driving an SUV so big he needed a building permit to attach his roof rack. And it had really shiny chrome rims, the kind that cost about the same as the gross domestic product of most Third World countries and harder to hide than Pamela Anderson’s plastic surgery.

He was driving this vehicle at well above the posted speed limit when he passed a Sheriff’s deputy sitting beside the road in Eagle-Vail, running his radar.

The deputy was convinced that the Runaway Man was running from him, and he deputy gave chase but Runaway Man was long gone.

Moments later Runaway Man appeared, strolling down the side of the road toward his natural habitat, a bar. The deputy stopped for a bit of conversation and to inquire why he was walking when Americans drive whenever and wherever they can, and where Runaway Man might have parked his SUV.

It’s not a crime to lie to a law enforcement officer, but you need to try to make them believable. For example:

Q: “What were you driving?

A: “A GMC Yukon, but I wasn’t driving.”

Q: “Where did you go?”

A: “West Vail to get some cigarettes. But I wasn’t driving. The truck has not moved.”

The deputy found the GMC Yukon, the one with the oversized chrome wheels, behind a store about 75 yards away from the very bar toward which Runaway Man was walking. Seventy five yards is great if you’re Broncos quarterback Kyle Orton successfully running the two minute drill, but it’s a forced march if you’re trying to hide a Texas-sized SUV.

The tires and engine were still warm, indicating friction. The deputy also spotted two packs of Marlboros near the driver’s seat, which would also indicate motion to and from a place in West Vail that sells tobacco products.

“That’s where I always park,” Runaway Man said.

So, the deputy walked Runaway Man around to his truck and had him touch it. Runaway Man declared the truck was as cold as his ex-girlfriend’s heart and like her, it was also unmoved.

It is against the law to run from an officer, and it also leaves him out of sorts.

As the deputy and Runaway Man journeyed together to the Eagle County Crossbar Hotel – one in the front seat of the deputy’s patrol truck and one in the back – Runaway Man’s cell phone rang and the deputy answered it.

When Caller Kid asked what on God’s green earth was going on. The deputy identified himself. He then asked where Runaway Man might have driven to.

“West Vail to get some cigarettes,” Junior replied.

When the deputy explained the situation so that even Caller Kid and Runaway Man could understand it, Caller Kid asked the only question that made any sense: How much was it going to cost to get Runaway Man out of jail?

Staff Writer Randy Wyrick can be reached at 970-748-2935 or

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