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Sack the town; leave the cannoli

Nickey Hernandez

Men will do anything for a little strange.Just ask Kobe, or any other chump who risked reputation, fortune and freedom for sack time with a hottie.While Kobe’s odyssey from hero to heel makes great tabloid fodder, it’s nothing compared to the classic blunder pulled by Paris, the famed P-whipped, pretty boy Prince of Troy.Then again what can you expect from a kid named after the cowering, cheese-eating capitol of the world?Born into luxury, Paris went metro-sexual early on. He favored fine clothes, jewelry and perfumes over the art of the lance. The beauty tips impressed the babes, but doomed Troy when the stud pitched woo to Helen, a sexy blond from nearby Sparta.From what I’ve gathered, Helen was the finest wench in ancient Greece. She was Charlize Theron, Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson rolled into a loose fitting toga.She was the original trophy bride. She was smokin’!Of course, she also belonged to Menelaus, an aging, burly brute who ran things in Sparta. Unfortunately, young Helen didn’t fancy the old dude; it broke her heart to think her love was only given to a man with hands as cold as ice.So she stepped out on the old king and did the nasty with her little Boy Troy.Nothing wrong with a little sex on the sly, I say, but Paris got all emotional and fell for the chick. Instead of manning up to Menelaus, or going into group counseling for sex addicts, sissy Paris fled Sparta with the babe.Menelaus and his big brother Agamemnon used the insult to wage the greatest war the world had ever seen, sending 1,000 ships across the sea to sack Troy.Thus the stage is set in “Troy,” a middle of the road war epic that retells Homer’s great yarn about love, war and the trickery of gift-bearing Greeks.But the love story between Helen (Diane Kruger) and Paris (Orlando Bloom) is overshadowed by the god-like looks of Achilles (Brad Pitt). We get plenty of Pitt’s Jupiter-sized biceps, six-pack abs, and hairless rump. His clenched cheeks get far more screen time than Helen’s lusty form.Because the film runs more than two-and-one-half hours, I did not stick around for the credits. Still I suspect the owners of Playgirl had something to do with the production, given the number of times Pitt disrobes.Who would have thought that a story involving the face that launched a thousand ships would devote more attention to Achilles’ butt than his heel?Then again, we are talking about Greeks.Aside from that, “Troy” remains fairly close to Homer’s take on the fall of Troy. Close enough for Hollywood anyway. And while the film is loaded with human slaughter (ax to face, spear to heart, sword to skull, etc.) it’s not “Gladiator.”But it beats getting jacked up on No-Doze and speed-reading The Iliad before an English exam.Until next time, Nickey Hernandez has left the theater to download nude shots of Aphrodite from the Internet.


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