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Sandler soils again

Nickey Hernandez

Bible-thumping conservatives often claim America has gone to hell since the Supreme Court kicked Jesus out of public schools.I blame Adam Sandler.The Saturday Night Live grad isn’t at fault for all our ills. He’s just a major co-conspirator in the plot to dumb down America, a plan he continues in his newest brain-cell killer: “The Longest Yard.”This new effort is a modern clone of the 1974 flick of the same name. The original starred Burt Reynolds at the height of his once-substantial career. It was a classic.Sandler’s turn under center stumbles, bumbles, but never rumbles across the screen. It’s just another lame-ass effort by the Waterboy.A recent MIT study confirms that one dose of Adam Sandler can reduce brain wave activity as well as sperm count by 37 percent.The evidence is irrefutable. As Sandler grows in popularity, the cognitive power of America declines. His flicks are banned in big-brained nations like China and India, which are poised to dominate the globe. Meanwhile, America circles the drain.If Sandler gets another movie deal, we’ll be speaking Cantonese by Christmas.The “The Longest Yard” centers on a football game between sadistic prison guards and a bunch of bad-ass convicts. Sandler plays Paul Crewe, a fallen ex-NFL hero sent to prison for three years. Crewe slaps together a squad of prison scum to put a beat down on the screws.Reynolds thrived in the original role. He was part stud, part arrogant prick exactly what the part demanded. Plus, Reynolds was once as cool as Steve McQueen.Seeing Sandler in the stellar role is like comparing George Bush to Winston Churchill.Sandler simply lacks the chops for the task.The agony of this movie is especially acute because the original was one of my childhood favorites. Now Sandler has dumped on that once proud legacy.It’s as if Rosie O’Donnell tongued the Vince Lombardi Trophy.The words abomination and fury come to mind as I compare the Sandler version with the original. Worst of all, Sandler’s expanding heft in Hollywood might give him the stones to tackle other great works.What’s to stop him from taking a shot at “Hamlet?” Can’t you see Sandler work his juvenile magic replicating Humphry Bogart in “The Maltese Falcon?” Would you pay to see Sandler star as Detective Harry Callahan in a “wild and wacky” version of “Dirty Harry?”Go ahead Adam, make my day.I know what you are up to. I know you won’t stop until every clear-headed American becomes as brain dead as a glue-sniffing teen-aged zombie.The conservatives are dead wrong. Lefties didn’t kill America’s will to succeed. Adam Sandler did. Until next time, Nickey Hernandez has left the theater to study Cantonese. VT– Nickey Hernandez is a former private investigator who never met an Adam Sandler film he did not want to beat with a rock.


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