Say it ain’t Sosa
Baseball – Sammy SosaWe weren’t too surprised when the Cubs slugger broke his bat in the first inning of a recent Cubs game and the ump noticed some cork wedged inside. After all, this is the same guy who told at least three different people that the bat he gave them was the one he used to hit his 66th homer back in 1998. Whose "charitable" foundation has only been charitable to people with the last name "Sosa." Who went from a skinny kid with some pop to a hulking home run machine awfully fast. Corking a bat, if you didn’t know, makes it lighter, which gives a hitter greater bat speed without having to use a smaller bat, which in turn means the ball he hits travels farther. Enter Sammy Sosa, who’s been known to hit the ball pretty far. Hmmmmmm. Baseball’s big decision was whether to suspend Sosa for seven games or 10 (they settled on seven), but at Jerk of the Week we’re concentrating more on whether Sosa’s new nickname should be Corky or Scammin’ Sammy. There are, of course, otherquestions raised by Sosa’s corked bat. Like how many of his 505 career home runs were hit with similarly illegal bats. And whether it even matters that he corks his bats because there’s a pretty good chance he’s on steroids anyway. And whether all his bats are corked. Sosa addressed that last question after the game. "I used that bat for batting practice, not in the game," he said, explaining with a miraculously straight face that he would never knowingly use a corked bat during a game, but he does have a stash of corked bats he uses to put on a show for the fans during BP. That excuse was so extraordinarily lame and transparent that OJ and Bill Clinton were seen shaking their heads in disappointment. If we were any NL manager, we’d be ordering his bats checked for the rest of his career. And if we were Sosa fans, well, let’s just say the guy shattered a lot more than his bat on June 3.4 Jerk PointsBasketball – Bruce BregerForty steals in three years isn’t good, especially when you’re not playing basketball. Utah Jazz guard Mark Jackson is probably pretty upset with former business manager Bruce Jay Breger, since Breger is accused of embezzling nearly $3 million from his client. Breger is being charged with wire fraud, allegedly making 40 unauthorized wire transfers from Jackson’s bank account to his own account from 1999 to 2001. Breger was hired to assist Jackson in paying his bills and this one is going to be costly.4 Jerk PointsFootball – Michael PittmanMichael Pittman apologized June 2 in Arizona for his arrest two daysearlier, for plowing into a car in which his wife, their son, and a babysitter rode. "I realize these circumstances have placed some unnecessary and negative attention on the Buccaneers’ organization," the Tampa Bay running back said in a statement. "I certainly look forward to being able to tell my side of the story." We certainly look forward to hearing it. Especially the part about what made Pittman think the way to settle a beef with the wife about taking their two-year-old son to training camp was to plow them on the road. Or should we first ask if anything makes him think, period?4 Jerk PointsHockey – Dominik HasekIt seems like former NHL goalie Dominik Hasek spends his retirement playing inline hockey in his native Czech Republic. Sorry, make that used to play inline hockey in the Czech Republic. Hasek was suspended for a full year after sending an opposing player to hospital during a May 18 game. The opponent, Martin Sila, spent three days in the hospital with concussion and a broken nose after being checked hard by Hasek. "We ruled that what Dominik Hasek did was an unsportsmanlike conduct," said Ladislav Kopec, president of the Czech Inline Hockey Association. Hasek was also fined 2,000 koruna ($75), the highest possible fine in the league. But we’re pretty sure Hasek, who earned about $9 million in his last NHL season, can afford to pay that fine.2 Jerk PointsSoccer – Gerardo BedoyaWe’ve said it before whatever you do, do not touch the officials. Racing Club defender Gerardo Bedoya learned that the hard way when he was suspended for one year on Thursday, June 5. Bedoya allegedly aimed an elbow at assistant referee Carlos Torres in his team’s recent Copa Libertadores game against America of Colombia. And now that he’s out for a full year, we suggest he brings a pillow, so his ass doesn’t get sore sitting on the bench.5 Jerk PointsMisc – Murad MuhammadBoxers are allowed to belt each other promoters are not. Sampson Lewkowicz is suing fellow promoter Murad Muhammad for hitting him in the face during a May 28 IBF convention. Muhammad, though there on other business, also reps WBA heavyweight champion Roy Jones Jr. According to the suit, Lewkowicz wastreated for injuries to his right eye and upper lip. And according to us, Jones ought to find a promoter who doesn’t beat people.3 Jerk PointsFor more on sports Jerks like these, please check out http://www.jerkoftheweek.com.
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