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So few police, so many bike trails

Matt Zalaznick

Between all the riots and gunfights and killing sprees, Eagle County probably doesn’t have enough police to keep the place from sliding into lawless chaos. Instead of seeing at least a deputy sheriff or two and one state trooper every time I drive down Highway 6 between Edwards and Avon, I should probably see at least half a dozen police cars on the road, two of which should have people pulled over and another parked stealthily behind a pine tree waiting for speeders – or serial killers or international arms smugglers or al-Qaeda cells. Perhaps each roundabout needs a patrol car to make sure nobody goes around in circles too many times, which actually isn’t illegal – yet. Along with the troopers and deputies, I see on the typical commute from Edwards to Eagle-Vail a Beaver Creek security truck, an Arrowhead security truck, an Avon cop, a Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms van and a Colorado Bureau of Investigation tank. But how come none of them are around when I get caught in one of those Highway 6 snowstorm vortexes – where the car in front of me is riding the brakes at 12 mph and the guy behind me, who must be rushing to collect on his $300 million Powerball ticket, is practically licking the mag chloride off my back window?Forget the war on drugs. I declare a war on tailgating, which we could win if only there were enough cops for a High Country Tailgating Task Force. But our Eagle County sheriff was recently disappointed when wanted to hire seven new patrol officers but only got the budget for two. Which means illegal parking in handicapped spots may spin out of control. Which means those of us who want to smash out the windows of able-bodied jerks who park in handicapped spots can run wild with our avenging tire irons. Don’t you hate when an SUV speeds into a handicapped spot and some strapping 20-something leaps out of the driver’s seat and struts into the convenience store – like parking right in front of the door is his birthright? Perhaps he’s counting on stupidity or a complete lack of compassion being a handicap. Without more police, who’s going to stop the Mexican invasion? They (the Mexicans) seem to have declared with their Cinco de Mayos (I mean, there’s a party every year in Edwards) and chile rellenos (at how many restaurants can you order those between Vail and Edwards?!).But our cops are stretched thin scooping drunken tourists out of Gore Creek to send the illegals home. Sure the suspects in recent bank robberies in the county have been white, but they must have been driven to their crimes by the illegals who took their jobs, right? Because all flag-waving white folk know the USA is a country of laws. Where would Uncle Sam be without great Caucasians like that Dumb and Dumber pair who knocked off the bank in Vail. Or Scott Peterson, the serial rapist Brent Brents or Bernie Ebbers or Dennis Kozlowski? Good for America’s crooked chief executives for not letting any Latinos into their ranks. Of course, we do have the occasional murder, which probably warrants more cops. Because stricter guns laws wouldn’t have prevented any of these shootings where a violent argument ended up not with black eyes or missing teeth, but with a corpse. As for drugs, those wreckers of the Western World, more cops could help enforce stricter drug laws if only weak-kneed Democrats in Denver would pass them. As long as we make sure no lifties – or longtime locals or filthy rich homeowners or pillars of the community or other great Americans over the age of 18 – are getting high or hallucinating in the privacy of their own living rooms, there’s no way a truly dangerous drug like methamphetamine will sneak into the county behind our backs. Yes, people come to Vail to have fun – to get loaded, to do goofy things. But there are rules. We wouldn’t want anyone to have too much fun, lest they think they’re on vacation in a ski town or something.City Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 949-0555, ext. 14620, or mzalaznick@vaildaily.comVail, Colorado


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