So many gifts, not enough coal
Vail Daily, Vail Colorado COWhat I wish for Senor Santa to forcibly stuff into each of their respective stockings next Sunday night: President Bush: The ability to say, “I won’t be rushed on Iraq…” with a straight face. Yep, three and a half years with more dead soldiers than died on 9/11 and thousands more waiting in line to die. Why rush it?Dick Cheney: A fresh box of nitro tablets and a gift certificate for Gun Safety classes.Senate Democrats: A quick recovery for Sen. Tim Johnson, D-S.D.Senate Republicans: A heart murmur from at least one more Democrat (see how unbiased I am?).The American Public: A breather from both.Former Rep. Mark Foley: A book on morals with all of the odd pages removed (yuk-yuk).Current Rep. William Jefferson, D-L.A.: A reason not to use “cold cash” as the punch line for absolutely anything said about him. (He’s the one with the $90,000 found in his freezer.)Louisiana Democrats: For re-electing Jefferson, I hope you get exactly what you paid for.Hugo Chavez: A muzzle.Fidel Castro: A funeral.Kim Jung Ill: A hobby.Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: A copy of the “New and Improved: Diary of Anne Frank,” with the new ending that has the beloved Anne singing, “Praise Be To Allah” as she skips through the blooming tulip fields of Tehran because of her parents’ martyrdom success as suicide bombers in Israel. Ted Haggard: The ability to accept responsibility for his own actions as opposed to blaming imaginary bad gods when he does bad things and giving credit to imaginary good gods for everything else.Rev. Paul Barnes (the latest evangelical homo-homophobe): See above.Catholic priests: A brief reprieve from the media.Muslims who say they want to kill anyone who says Muslims are violent: A mirror.Ray Nagin (New Orleans mayor): A white-chocolate sculpture of the Super Dome.Ken Lay: Applause for announcing it was now “all in God’s hands” after being found guilty of fraud, and then promptly dropping dead. Why, if I didn’t know better …Mel Gibson: A menorah with trick candles that light up every time he shouts, “&*?!@%! Jews!”Michael Richards (Kramer): A Christmas tree that plays the “Theme from Shaft” every time he shouts, “Hey you, person of color!” (I’m paraphrasing, of course.)Vail Village Homeowners Association, for saying we should spend $4 billion on a tunnel: A reality check and a definition of “we.”Beaver Creek Homeowners Association: A check to themselves made out to “Perspective.”Rob Katz: One of those “I Wish You Were Here” postcards from Vail.Fred Green: Godzilla taking a one-hour stroll around the inside perimeter of his property.Alex Miller: The ability to enjoy cliche columns without resorting to crafting one himself.Father Brooks: Every book written by Carl Sagan and Richard Dawkins along with the time to actually read them. Then we’ll talk.Art Kittay: The self-proclaimed sage of Eagle needs nothing for Christmas or Hanukah, but deserves an honorary mention nonetheless just for tenacity.And most of all I would like to stress, regardless of ones religious affiliation or complete lack thereof, Christmas time has evolved from sun worship to winter’s solstice celebrations to 4th century Roman excuses to kill pagans to the crass commercialization that we see today. However, it is the one time of year where we all not just pretend, but actually do, get along on a much higher and happier level, and for that I am eternally grateful. So whatever your internal reasons or rationalizations for celebrating this time of year, just remember, you do not have to believe in magic, to enjoy the magic of Christmas.Merry Christmas everyone!Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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