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Soul of skiing discovered in cardboard box

Alien Borscht

After a disappearance of some years, the soul of skiing has been re-discovered. A resident of Vail Valley Estates, a trailer park located in Really Dry Gulch, near Dotsero, found the soul of skiing while doing some spring cleaning.

A. I. Glatson, the trailer resident, said he found the soul in an old Charmin’s Tissues cardboard box from City Market.

“The box was at the back of an outdoor storage shed,” he explained. “I had seen the box while rummaging through the shed several times in the last year alone, but I didn’t think much of it. It was marked ‘Christmas stuff, 1983,” explained Glatson.

“When I got to rummaging through the box, I found all sorts of things Ð a big picture of Farrah Fawcett, a tape called ‘Beat It’ from Michael Jackson, and a ‘Just Say No’ bumper sticker.

Glatson, a custodian in the local school district, said that even though he kept stuff from Christmas 20 years ago, he isn’t a nostalgic person. Nonetheless, he is pleased to be able to produce the long missing soul of skiing. He says he has no idea how it got there.

The soul was first reported missing several years ago and it was the subject of a book, “Downhill Sighed,” written by Cal H. Lifford. In that book, Lifford accused the “big three” publicly traded ski companies Ð Vail Resorts, Intrawest, and American Skiing Ð of stealing the soul of skiing and forcing all other competing ski areas into a life of sin.

Lifford also linked the big three of skiing to Saddam Hussein, the downturn in the economy, and a rare, unpleasant two weeks of cloudy weather that once visited usually sunshine-splashed Grand Junction, Colo.

This is not the first time the soul of skiing has been rediscovered. A newspaper in Winter Park last year claimed the soul had been discovered in an old, deteriorating lodge at Berthoud Pass, either in hotel’s the bathroom or the kitchen. There had also been many reports of the soul of skiing being discovered, kind of like a Virgin Mary in a spaghetti bowl, in the snows at a new ski area near Silverton.

Meanwhile, the “soul of skiing” was making its way into academia. A school of theology in Denver, for example, had created a seminar entitled: “Do Dogs, Cats, and Skiing Have Souls?”

A professor of theology at the school explained the question. “Now, some think that springer spaniels and rottweillers have souls, even pit bulls. With this course, we’re examining whether not only animals, but also a sport itself can have soul.”

With this discovery of the soul of skiing in the cardboard box near Dotsero, charges of theft against the big ski companies that had been considered will be dropped. As for the soul, it’s still in the cardboard box in Glatson’s shed. He said he may try to sell the soul at a garage sale in the spring along with the Farrah Fawcett poster and his extra microwave oven.


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