Mike Garvey is the Homecoming King,
September 20, 2005
Vail Mountain volleyball coach Mike Garvey made a prediction Tuesday about this week’s 49ers-Cowboys game.”I think it’s going to be a grudge match,” he said. “I like the Cowboys especially after coming off a loss. I think they’re going to be a little bit tougher and not fall down at the end of the game.”Bad move, Mike, especially when the Daily’s sports editor bleeds 49ers’ red and gold. You were on the bubble, but that put you over the top.Congratulations, Mike Garvey, you are the 2005 VMS Homecoming victim, er, King.Yes, we salute the master of hair gel, bad jokes, bad dancing and slow driving in the only way we know how – by roasting Garvey until he’s good and charred.For instance, let’s start with Garvey’s education. He went to Overland High School in Aurora, which makes VMS English teacher Mike Morris a little upset.”He’s a wanna-be Cherry Creek Bruin. Let’s put it that way,” said Morris, a Bruin himself. “He went to Overland High School, the Trailblazers. His only trail blazed was one to defeat.””Thank goodness, my parents won’t send me to such a bad school,” added a suddenly verbose Beckett Morris. “It’s much cooler to be a Gore Ranger than a Trailblazer.”See, Mike, you’re being bagged on by a 13-month-old baby.
You should have picked the Niners, Garvey.The hairTalk to any of his players and the first thing which will inevitably come up is Garvey’s hair. We’re pretty sure he has stock in hair-styling products.”I don’t think he could put any more gel in his hair,” Lindsay Wright said. “I’ve never seen it without a bottle of gel in it.””One of those pieces of his hair is going to snap off,” Aubrie Apple added. “It doesn’t move.”The good news for Garvey is that if he needs to find an alternate career someday, he’d be an ideal hurricane reporter.”He would be set,” Apple said. “He could go on national TV and it wouldn’t move.”Bill Parcells doesn’t use gel, Mike.On a scale of 1 to 10 …
Then there’s the dancing.”He does a crazy Vanilla Ice dance that’s pretty amazing,” Apple said. “He breaks it down. I’d have to have him do it for you. It looks something like a chicken with a lot of caffeine.”On a scale of from 1-10, how would you rate his dancing, Lindsay?”About five,” Wright said.”No. She’s giving him a few too many (points),” Cely Brinkmann chimed in.Singing? Uh, nope.”Rough,” was all Apple had to say.How about humor, people?”I’m just going to lay it out there,” Brinkmann said. “His jokes are about at a kindergarten level at best, and he finds it hilarious. His sense of humor is out there.””Oh, horrible jokes,” Apple groaned.Driving?
“His driving skills, he goes so slow. I could run faster,” Brinkmann said. “That’s the big thing with him. Apparently, he got his license out of a Cracker Jack box. I don’t know.”Of course, Garvey also has the respect of his coaching colleagues.”He’s not Italian, but we’ve allowed him on the coaching staff. He’s not Italian or Dutch,” soccer coach Bob Bandoni said. “We should thank him for taking care of our soccer players in the offseason. We do wish he would incorporate a little more footwork in his practice.”Niners 31, Cowboys 21, Mike.By the way, the gamesThis year’s gala includes soccer taking on Salida at 11 a.m. at The Bob, followed by the spikers hosting Ridgway at The Garven at 4 p.m. (Just to show you that we’re not all that rough, Mike, we named the new gym after you. Just don’t sing the national anthem, please.)A few other Homecoming notes for your consideration:– In all seriousness, the volleyball team is on a roll. Though there are a lot of games to be played, this team should be in Denver in November.– Brinkmann, Apple and Wright get the ohhs and ahhs, and deservedly so. But what sets this team apart is its depth. Garvey can bring on a host of players of the bench and not skip a beat. — Congratulations to soccer for its first win of the season on Tuesday. It’s going to be the first of many for this group. This team will take its lumps early, but just wait.
— By the way, guys, American football is played in a north-south fashion. Soccer is played northeast-northwest. Get wide, then play it in.– Nothing to do with VMS, but I smite all of you Barry Bonds doubters. Ha, ha and double HA! Washed up, my rear end.– Back to VMS, we give a honk to Fred Haslee. That sound he makes at volleyball games sounds like that of an endangered rhino.– Volleyball Berman-isms: “Good golly miss” Molly Etters; Miranda “A bridge too” Farley; Aubrie “the” Apple “of his eye;” Lara Green “Acres is the place to be;” Lindsay “She’s always” Wright and Cely “living on the” Brinkmann.– Soccer Berman-isms: David “Toeing” DeLine; Tony “Ham on” Ryerson; Blake “One small step for man” Armstrong; Matt “Turn off the” Stovall; Jordy “Get me a cup of” Coffey; Oscar “I’d like to thank the Academy” Gaspar and Chris “Over the river and through the” Woods.– This one can work with both Jackson Dowell and Jackson Higgins – Jackson “Brown and his band of renowned” Dowell or Higgins.– Sorry, Joel. I really can’t do much with Migchelbrink. I’m open to suggestions.– Congratulations to Charry and Mike Morris. They are expecting a boy in February. Chris Morris sounds like a nice name.– Bandoni, aka the prince of Paonia, our 2004 roastee, needs to go to his happy place now that the Yankees have closed in on his beloved Red Sox. Breathe into the bag, Bandon.– Have a great weekend, everyone, and go Niners.Sports editor Chris Freud can be reached at 949-0555 or via firstname.lastname@example.org.Vail, Colorado
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