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Spying helps W. get in touch

Matt Zalaznick

With his bubble of yes men and fawning pre-screened audiences, it’s no wonder W. wants to listen to Americans’ phone calls.

He doesn’t read newspapers and avoids the common man, but with a little electronic super-surveillance, he can dodge the dreaded “filter” and hear what the masses are nattering about.

Not that he cares what we, the people, have to say: Brownie still did a great job, global warming is liberal voodoo, and as long as the oil industry’s swimming in profits, the economy must be zooming.



So many missions accomplished, so much public sentiment to ignore. So much duplicity to conceal.

But hey, maybe all this snooping is a good sign. Ever since Rover got caught taking a leak with Scooter and little Bobby Novak, W.’s been thinking maybe his once indestructible inner circle is slipping.



For goodness sake, Rover made him answer questions after a speech! Unscripted questions, uncomfortable questions, asked by real people!

Then Rover tells W. to take a little responsibility for the bad WMD intelligence. Is Rover showing a vulnerable side? Hells bells! The American people don’t want a confessional president or a commander-in-chief capable of mistakes.

Look where being honest with Americans got Jimmy Carter. How many bombs did he drop? And the Nobel Peace Prize? That’s for wimps. Even Slick Willie knew better than to come clean.



So the wiretaps come in handy in these dark times when Rover’s so preoccupied with getting indicted he’s lost his taste for smear campaigns and he’s grown weary of having to always say everything’s going just fine in this best of all possible worlds.

(Rover says, “You try playing Pangloss to W.’s Candide when you’ve get a federal prosecutor breathing down your neck with a fistful of subpoenas and a briefcase full of testimony that says you haven’t been telling the truth.)

What’s a W. to do but turn to the super spooks and their spy satellites to help him reassemble his talking points? Screw transparency and that sacred cow privacy, the leader of the free world has to stay on message – and oh yeah, fight terrorists or something.

So what are Americans saying about the insurgency Rummy and Uncle Dick ‘rassled into its last throes so many American deaths ago? Sounds like Americans think no matter how many insurgents we smoke from their spider holes, no matter how many Shiites turn the tips of their fingers purple, it’s not going to make us any safer.

Well, what do the American people know? They-‘re often wrong when – especially when they disagree with what I, their president, know in my heart.

Sure, listening to their nonsense is a great way to get the old fightin’ confidence back.

But they also still sound uneasy about that whole Abu Ghraib thing, how it humiliated the land of free, how it made our democracy-spreadin’ plans look phony.

Well, if they know anything about their commander-in-chief, they know he loves freedom and will do anything to keep Americans fsree and share this gift with any willing peoples of the world.

But if they don’t want to be free, they’ll learn (with a little psy ops and CIA pornography) not to mess with Texas.

And are these ingrates we’re trying so hard to protect still whining about Hurricane Katrina? Geez Louise, but would you listen to them sayin’ we still have a race problem here in the America.

Haven’t they seen Condi on TV?

Why, that even sounded like Ted Koppel of the biased liberal media sayin’ we got help to the folks in Indonesia quicker than we got supplies into NOLA. Ted Koppel! Sayin’ my administration would’ve been quicker to act had it been middle-class white neighborhoods behind those busted-up levies.

Racism? Didn’t our Christmas card say happy holiday for chrissake?

I took some heat from the base for that, and ain’t that a Jew runnin’ Homeland Security?

American people better be happy because James Dobson says my tolerant nature is wearing thin with the evangelicals. And what the American people may not understand is we’re gonna build a better New Orleans, heh, heh.

What Americans don’t understand is that they’re better off now than they were five years ago.

What the American people don’t understand is how much money there is for Halliburton to make in the reconstruction effort, heh, heh, heh.

And when Halliburton’s makin’ money, the economy’s good and the American people are happy. So we’re just gonna do a little drilling in Alaska.

A displaced herd of elk is nothing compared to an angry campaign fundraiser from corporate America. Ole W. and Uncle Dick’ll need cuhsy jobs come January 2009.

There won’t be any peace negotiatin’ for us good old boys. And fundraising for tsunami victims? Haven’t I already proved I’m no wuss like my daddy?

City Editor Matt Zalaznick can be reached at 949-0555, ext. 14620, or mzalaznick@vaildaily.com

Vail, Colorado


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