State of the County, 2006 style |

State of the County, 2006 style

Daily Staff Report

Whatever you do, don’t smokeRichard CarnesSpecial to the DailyUnlike tonight’s State of the Union Address by President Bush, my annual analysis for Eagle County’s address (WARNING: A no smoking zone!) is confined to those areas within the borders of the one, true Happy Valley. This allows me, your unbiased, journalist-free, postulating polemicizer, to conveniently ignore those segments who miss out on the daily, classic, 24/7 sounds of I-70.By quickly, but thoroughly, analyzing a week of TIPs, LTEs, and WOTW for material, I have dutifully surmised the psychological DNA of our local friends and neighbors at this particular point in time, and encapsulated the major issues that plague us as a joint species (in this particular reference, a taxonomic group specializing in snow-related lifestyles).Therefore the following snapshots of each neighborhood are listed in alphabetical order so as not to needlessly offend anyone in any nit-picky sequence.Arrowhead: The unnatural, yet completely natural, blissful walls of dirt and pine ignorance have been completed to the degree that many newcomers ask of the existence of this “ancient Indian artifact burial ground.” However, as long as you guys keep parking for free, my lips are sealed. As expected, it is a no-smoking zone.Avon: While still in constant debate over the existence of an actual main street or the benefits-condemnations connected with the town of Lindholm, most seem devoted to deciphering the much more popular question of what to do with dog poop. It is also a no-smoking zone.Bachelor Gulch: It’s so far off the map of chronological reality that last week all of the major networks ran a story about Supreme Court Justice Scalia playing tennis there during the swearing-in ceremony of new Chief Justice John Roberts. Um, fellas,not to be a stickler of details, but the ceremony was last September.Anyhoo, ditto on the no-smoking zone.Beaver Creek: Ignored by the ”76 Olympic Committee, this former lettuce farm continues to struggle for respect as, apparently, leading the county in annual real estate sales has become hum-drum.Yep, you guessed it, a no-smoking zone.Dowd Junction: Still the most dangerous stretch of highway this side of Baghdad. Don’t smoke and drive.Eagle: Fast becoming the new haven for second-home owners. People with names like Ginn and Magnus have been overheard saying, “What the …” and, “How in the …”Oh it’s smokin’ all right, but of course not in a literal sense.Edwards: In spite of silly, but totally and justifiably substantiated, rumors about potential incorporation, non-existent town leaders have emphatically denied the existence of the non-existent town, thus effectively maximizing their existing use of the “Put $1 in-take $2 out” policy of tax management. Yada, yada, yada on the no-smoking thing.Edwards Trailer Park: Still primed for relocation! How about it, Cordillera? Oh, and no fumar.Gypsum: Apparently still willing to fight to the death for anonymous big boxes. Could be its death; could be its savior. Time will tell. Chances are pretty good you can smoke if you want, though. But who really cares?Minturn: Deciding whether to make money or continuing to watch other people spend it. If Florida developers don’t smoke, neither will the rest of the town.Vail: Has leaders who can’t seem to put down fascinating literary efforts such as “How to Pretend You Hate Development,” with a preface by Donald Trump, and “Speed Traps for Dummies” by Jon Q. Cop.I can’t wait to observe, and perhaps write about, the first $2,500 lynx-coat-wearing, $600 per-day ski lesson-taking, $500 per-night condo-living, $200 per-person, per-day food-and-beverage-buying tourist who gets ticketed for smoking. I live for the moment.Wolcott: Still the most complete incomplete town (granted one is bright enough to read the public tax records) in the entire state of Colorado. Nothing whatsoever to change anytime soon. Don’t worry about smoking, though, as chances are no one will be around to witness the act.Hence, The state of Eagle County is (to paraphrase President Bush) one of strength and resolve, especially now that we know they can afford $500,000 fairground porcelain thrones. In fact, they can invite all the dogs in Avon to come do their bidness in style, and the rest of us can all sleep better knowing that those pesky lawbreakers known as smokers will be chased down mercilessly on the Vista Bahn: “Hey Bob, is that a … Yes! Yes it is, it’s a puff of smoke coming from chair number 27! Call the chief! Put out an APB.! We must do everything within our limited power to stop that chair!”Please plan your annual property tax payments accordingly.Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at Vail, Colorado

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