Stemming the use of aftershave |

Stemming the use of aftershave

Robert Valko
Dear Darwin

Research has shown that when women are under the influence of the 1970s bug repellant “Lectric Shave,” the aftershave may force them to make poor choices in men. They find it difficult to distinguish guys from goats and pinatas and start hitting on – er hitting –anything that moves. Rumor has it Tiger Woods was wearing aftershave on the night his ex got him confused with a pinata.

There is a slight difference between men and goats. Male goats are smart enough not to cover up their barn-yard scent with aftershave. This prevents female goats from choosing the wrong males. With their snouts free of aftershave carbon monoxide, they’re free to wallow in the gamey musk of their opposites and sniff their way to genetic immortality.

Actually, research shows that women really don’t make the best mate choices when men’s natural odors are camouflaged, and one of the causes may be aftershave. To stem the tide of poor mate choice and prevent goats from overpopulating the planet, a grass-roots movement has been growing among the organic sect to stem the use of after shave. Spearheading the movement is Tiger’s ex. For a fee, she will take out the windshields of guys that golf and wear Lectric Shave.

Guys, here’s your summer reading project (be sure to set aside a few days this long sentence): “For men, spraying themselves with aftershave could be a mistake: studies show this can inhibit female arousal.” This advice comes to us from Jeremy Laurance, the health editor of The Independent, a highly-respected newspaper in England.

If aftershave is the featherweight, the pill is the heavyweight. Researchers have found that women on the pill select men who are genetically similar to them rather than dissimilar. Not good. Evolution thrives on genetic diversity. For example, purebred dogs have more health problems and live shorter lives than mixed breeds because their genetic portfolio is not diversified. Genetic mistakes stockpile in the absence of diversity.

The human study: When woman on the pill smelled shredded T-shirts of various men, they preferred the scent of men who were genetically similar to them. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Craig Roberts, a highly esteemed doctor of behavioral ecology at the University of Liverpool, stated: “The finding suggests that by disturbing a woman’s natural olfactory preferences, the contraceptive pill could be to blame for fertility problems, relationship dissatisfaction and marital breakdown. It could even lead to problems in the next generation, resulting in children with weaker immune systems.”

He also said: “Going for genetically similar men, detected from body odor, may increase a woman’s risk of difficulties trying to conceive, miscarriage and of long intervals between pregnancies.”

Moral of the story? To have kids and avoid a divorce, have the manly man shed the perfumes and Lectric Shave.

Robert Valko is a graduate of Northwestern University. Email with column ideas at

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