Sunday is Real Man Day
Super Bowl Sunday is the Real Man’s High Holy Day.A study of deep significance and great social importance found that most Real Men think the Super Bowl is more important than Valentine’s Day. They are, of course, correct. The study was performed by the Coors brewing company, so we trust it completely.Yes, we love our Reasons for Living more than life itself.And yes, we’d gladly do anything this side of a Class 1 felony to make you happy.And naturally, we’ll spend hours and days planning some sort of Valentine’s Day wonderfulness, certain to warm your heart.We’ll start brainstorming just as soon as the game is over. We promise. Bears fans will start just as soon as the swelling goes down.Valentine’s Day requires romance.The Super Bowl requires beer and the occasional star-shaped pastie (See “wardrobe malfunctions and Janet Jackson” then see more of “Janet Jackson”).It was Shakespeare who first asked, “What does a woman want?” If Shakespeare didn’t know – and he wore tights and wrote sonnets – what chance does a Real Man have?But the Bard left us some clues in his writings regarding the relationship between Super Bowl Sunday and Valentine’s Day.For example, let us not bury Valentine’s day, let us praise it. How shall we compare thee to a Super Bowl Sunday? Thou art more nutritious, concerning the board of fare.In both, the results will be memorable. The Super Bowl for its commercials, halftime show (See “Janet Jackson,” once again), and possibly even football; Valentine’s Day for its long-lasting effects on your Reason for Living, which you must live with for the rest of the year. Either can leave a massive smile on your face or leave you in abject agony.Both involve food. In both cases, the more devoid of nutrition it is, the better. Super Bowl Sunday involves anything you can pour Velveeta over, plus those two great elements of Real Man Cuisine, meat and fire. For Valentine’s Day, it’s whatever she wants coupled with some sort of sinfully decadent dessert. If the dessert is flaming, it speaks to your sensitivity.Both will involve pledges of allegiance to other humans with whom we have become emotionally involved. Our Reasons for Living may actually be aware of our allegiance. Peyton Manning and Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher may not.And so, my fellow Real Men, let us plan a Valentine’s Day our Reasons for Living will remember at least as fondly as a Super Bowl halftime show that did not include Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake.We have all kinds of time; we can get most of it done during halftime Sunday, when we have the collected brainpower of our fellow Real Men gathered around the barbecue pit, as we skip Sunday’s Halftime Show Formerly Known as Prince.Randy Wyrick is taking the Colts, then taking his Reason for Living to dinner. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org, or call 748-2983.