Take off your shirt for Vail
We live in a cutting-edge environment.
Not just the Rocky Mountains, but Happy Valley, in particular, has a reputation of being the first, No. 1, numero uno when it comes to trendsetting in the ski resort industry.
Those daring pioneers in the early ’60s, Seibert, Eaton, Brown and Parker, were the first to envision such glorious alpine potential from this particular patch of pristine wilderness.
Since Ski Magazine began their annual reader survey of North American ski areas in the mid-’80s, Vail has been No. 1 more often than not, and along with Beaver Creek, is in the Top 10 every single year without fail.
We were the first to name part of a ski mountain after the King of Beasts and constructed the first gondola in the United States.
The first to have high-speed quad chairs.
The first to put bubbles over a high-speed quad chair.
The first to remove bubbles from a high-speed quad chair.
The first to have modern roundabouts and profits from manhole covers.
Not the first to waste tax dollars, but the first to do so on silly little temporary flashlight-enhanced windmills over a frozen golf course.
Therefore I feel it is highly appropriate for me to demand, nay, ask politely, that we be the first ski area in North America to offer topless coffee servers.
There, I said it.
Come on, don’t you see the potential? Can’t you see the bandwagon we could leapfrog with one little extra snippet of creative marketing?
Beginning in the Seattle area a few months ago and spreading faster than chicken pox in Eagle County, bikini-clad coffee house servers are the latest fad to pour across the nation.
They’re popping up quicker than ads on porn sites (so I’ve heard) or roach clips at next month’s String Cheese Incident concert.
And why is this happening? Marketing, baby, marketing!
The coffee house industry has become so cut-throat that owners have resorted to desperate measures of bitter-laced bribery in order for their daily java-jolt customers to pick up a quick fix at their respective coffee houses.
So why topless?
Well, in Florida (the nation’s capital for using sex to sell stuff), they have had topless donut shops, topless maids, topless check cashing stores and babes in string bikinis operating roadside hot dog stands. And who could forget “Debbie Does Donuts” about 15 years ago in Ft. Collins, where even Geraldo did a live report.
Face it, sex sells, and the ski industry is sorely lagging behind in using “it” to market our products.
Besides, what better way to start your day than ordering a big ol’ cup of your favorite joe and being able to stare down a pair of bouncing boobies as they prance from machine to machine across the stone-cold floor, spinning around their customized chrome-covered pole while never spilling a drop to the delight of clapping and shouting customers.
The marketing possibilities are endless, and would be guaranteed to make at least two-page spreads in all of the trade magazines.
Instead of tall, grande or venti cup sizes, we could have “B-Cup,” “C-Cup,” and for the truly serious, a “DD” coffee cup. An “A-Cup” would be the “taster” size, of course.
“But Richard, what about the women?” you ask.
The female customers or the bouncy-bouncy ones behind the counter?
Not to worry. The female customers will come in droves just to make sure their male counterparts are ordering nothing but breakfast brews from such morning hangouts as “Candice Concocts Coffee,” and the servers will regale in their glory as industry trendsetters, doing their fair share to help keep Vail No. 1. The tips alone would be tremendous employment incentives.
Plus, think about the annual calendar they could create to raise benevolent dollars for, oh, let’s say, employee housing projects, perhaps in tandem with the naked calendar already produced by the Vail Valley Charitable Fund.
The only question remaining would be where customers are allowed to put the tips.
I cannot think of a more cutting-edge way to get someone to pay $10 for a cup of coffee, can you? So if I can round up a bevy of beautiful baristas-in-training before the next council meeting, together we can make the pitch, and if we’re lucky, the council will lend us their support.
No matter what, anything to stay No. 1!