Talk about unruly students |

Talk about unruly students

First it was graduation ceremonies for my then-6-year-old from kindergarten. The same spring it was my then-14-year-old from eighth grade. I thought both events were kind of silly, but nonchalantly assumed it was a sign of these anything-to-promote-self-esteem times.

Now, according to ABC news, even the wild and crazy Taliban are getting into the commencement spirit, holding graduation ceremonies for the rolling Pakistani cameras back on June 9th.

And just who were the lucky grads, you might ask?

None other than 300 of the roughest, toughest, indoctrinated-in-murder, make-believe warriors to come out of that region of the world since the glorious rag-tag bunch from celluloid Sparta, and we probably stand a pretty good chance of seeing these new guys on the big screen as well (depending on how big your plasma screen is).

There is one catch, however, to these fresh wacky grads, and it has a tremendous effect on whether or not they ever get to use their newly-learned “skills” more than once: they are all, including boys as young as 12, being sent to the U.S., U.K., Canada and Germany on suicide missions to kill infidels for the pleasure of a magical being.

Yessiree, Bob.

We, the insatiably gullible American public, are supposed to now believe that the Taliban military leaders want photos and digital video of their proud prospective suicide bombing graduates published worldwide before they travel abroad to carry out their religiously-mandated missions.

Funny, but I never saw any caps and gowns with little tassels. Maybe they toss it from one side to the other just before pushing the little red button on the Virginator.

I wonder if the valedictorian gets to go first. Either way, their reunions must be very lonely affairs.

Who falls for this nonsense? If this ain’t “War on Terror” propaganda then I’m not a middle-aged, retired, crappy golfer who occasionally drinks too much and shares opinions every week or two on this page (but rarely at the same time).

Of course, it could all be timed (however poorly) to coincide with the upcoming 2008 elections (meaning it’s all Bush’s fault), as Republicans have as much chance of winning anything major as the Vatican does influencing the world’s drivers.

In other words, the hell-fire and damnation card is being played to the hilt.

“Be afwaid… be vewy vewy afwaid; I’m hunting Wahhibists, heheheheheheh…”

But if that were true, then why was the story broke by ABC and not FOX News?

Something smells here besides unshaven, uneducated, 12-40-year-old males from the Middle East.

Yes, it is true that these religious fruitcakes want to kill Americans for the obvious reason, which is our collective battered wives syndrome: they “have” to hit us because we make them mad (by not believing the same supernatural nonsense they do).

And by attaching the moniker “Sir” to the front of Salman Rushdie it certainly makes sense why the English deserve to be blown to bits, but why are the Germans and Canadians included and not the French? This smacks of global conspiracy.

Germany recently elected a more conservative, pro-American leader, but so did France. Canada can’t make up its mind who to follow, but they never really hurt anyone except those pigs when making their special bacon (and I thought fewer pigs would make Muslims happy anyway). So it’s not really fair to leave the French out of their evil plans.

And don’t forget Denmark and those damn cartoons. Don’t their innocents deserve to be unexpectedly slaughtered as well?

Perhaps there is another school for suicide bombers who have not graduated yet, and THEY will be earmarked for the Frogs and the Danes.

However, IF I am wrong, IF this particular threat is real, and worshippers of imaginary beings suddenly begin exploding from San Francisco to Munich over the next few weeks, anyone who even looks Arab will be in more mortal danger than they already are.

I am afraid the American response would make the Japanese internment camps of 1942 look like summer camp.

At that point school would be out for everyone, but especially those “Waskely Wahhibists.”

Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a biweekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at

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