Tell who to stick what where |

Tell who to stick what where

The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!

Oh, wait a minute. That was last week Š

It’s Election Day! It’s Election Day! Yeah, that’s what I meant.

Today is that special day to tell the governor where to stick his water, the state legislators where to stick their future residential property tax increases, the school district where to stick their buses, and the gaming industry where to stick their profits.

But before I tell you how I personally feel on each of these important issues, let’s discuss a few in brief detail.

As you read these words, I am sure thousands of you (OK, it’s an off-year, maybe just a few hundred) are standing in line at the beautiful Donovan Pavilion in Vail waiting patiently while enjoying stale doughnuts and cold coffee provided for free by smiling officials. Quietly questioning the multi-million dollar floor you are standing on while town services are annually axed, you are probably asking yourself, “Self, who should I vote for council?”

First, remember that you are not the type of person to refer to oneself in the third person, and that this democratic ordeal will all be over soon.

Second, come to this startling conclusion: Anyone with the courage to run for town council in Vail or anywhere else in Happy Valley deserves the respect of at least a few votes. So talk to the person in front of and behind you about their choices, and try to make sure there are no duplications. That way no one will be offended.

However, unless an incumbent has joined the priesthood or admitted to a secret rendezvous with a 19-year-old at a private resort in the Edwards area, then they probably should be re-elected. Nothing counts like experience, and none have proven to be proportionally inept these last few years. Besides, if the economy continues this upward trend and the snow comes down with the regularity of “jake” brakes on I-70 for the duration of the season, all past indiscretions will go the way of the Utes.

Same goes for those fine folks running for the school board, but you must first understand that each one of them is completely out of their well-intentioned minds, therefore simply pick the ones with the smartest sounding names.

Speaking of smart education, school bonding issue 3A should probably be sent back to the chalkboard to finish its homework. Risking money you do not have on stuff you’re not even sure you need sounds too much like asking for a “hit” on 17 in Blackhawk.

Speaking of gambling, there is Amendment 33, known as the “Video Lottery-Tourist Promotion” amendment. Follow me here:

Colorado is a tourist state.

We have no money to promote tourism.

We need tourists.

Tourists give us money.

We like money.

Bottom line, if someone is foolish enough to deposit their money into an electronic bandit while hanging out at a race track to “watch all the pretty horses,” then they deserve whatever they receive in return, so let’s allow those bozos to procure tourism promotion for the rest of us.

Speaking of fools and their taxes, we have Amendment 32, which would force residents to pay more property taxes and businesses to pay less. Follow me here:

Colorado is a tourist state.

Businesses make money off of tourists.

Businesses need tourists.

Businesses that we work for give us money to buy houses.

We need houses, therefore, we need businesses and hence, we all need tourists.

Bottom line, this amendment will simply allow working residents with mortgaged property to help debt-riddled businesses keep them employed.

Was that just an endorsement? Hell, even I’m confused now.

Speaking of confusion, we also have Referendum A, which creates billions of bond bucks for anonymous water projects.

Come on, guys, all you had to do was tell us where the money would be going up front instead of purposely sounding like the head of Tyco lobbying for investors at his wife’s toga party.

Besides that, though, all the storage in the world won’t make it rain one single additional drop. If you want to spend billions on unknown and therefore unproven projects, then let’s put it all into cloud-seeding research.

Not only would it be entertaining to watch the environmental wackos bust a liberal lynx-hugging nut, but the researchers might actually stumble across something good for mankind.

There, we’re done now. Wasn’t that simple?

Oh, except those of you in Vail. You get to do it again in just a few weeks to consummate satisfying someone’s self-esteem.

Too bad you can’t tell him where to stick his ego this time around.

Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at

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