Thank Bryant for those envelopes |

Thank Bryant for those envelopes

Please let me receive a jury duty notice.Oh, please let me receive a jury duty notice.I’m begging you, pretty please, Mr. Wonka, please let me receive one of the golden tickets.I promise to be a good boy. I promise to stay open minded. I promise to not let any of my previous columns bias me in any way, shape or form.Come on, don’t you trust me?It’s been a year since the big guy performed the hankius pankius with the little girlius on the private Cordillera court, and I think it’s just as appropriate as flying a big honkin’ American flag in Avon that 1,000 Happy Valleyites get to celebrate the anniversary by receiving cute gift boxes of appreciation from the globetrotter teams of legal eagles.I wonder if they’ll arrive with tiny little basketball key chains attached. Or maybe, for the sake of balance, half will arrive with a tasteful drawing of a hotel chair on the envelope.Either way, I would be absolutely perfect for the jury pool. Just look at these qualifications:I am not a basketball fan. Therefore, I couldn’t care less about the athletic capabilities of the accused. I do not fondle 19-year-olds (with or without their permission) but freely admit to doing so when I was the same age. I hate racism of any kind, and enjoy pointing out the inevitable hypocrisies in this particular case if the accused was a white male and the alleged victim was a minority of any color. To top it all off, I’m a darn good swimmer.How’s that for open minded?Look, all the guy did was mistake Cordillera for Las Vegas upon ordering room service, and what happened after that should be up to legal debate.That time I wrote the young man accused of a brutal rape had magically transformed himself into a God-fearing, wife-fearing tattooed mouse incapable of harming so much as a piece of well-cooked brie while quoting recently memorized scripture. I was just kidding.When I wrote this now swagger-free sorry excuse for an idol may or may not be guilty, but his innocence appears as obvious to me as Donald Rumsfeld’s pacifism. I was just having an off day. We all have them.And when I wrote that admitting adultery, buying your wife a diamond the size of Shaq’s head, having a tribute to her, your daughter and a psalm tattooed on your bicep, suddenly quoting former political figures and scripture while parading your new Bentley down an L.A. freeway, declaring you are “terrified” while questioning whether you should go to “work” or not and then out of the blue acting like a scared little puppy are not the normal actions of an innocent man – I was merely making a logistical point.I could easily make similar statements about she-who-must-not-be-named. Really, I could, but what would be the point?OK, I admit, perhaps I might come across as a tad biased and therefore might have less of a chance of making the jury than Lindholm does of winning Avon’s Citizen of the Year award.If so, then I suppose that even if I do receive a jury notice I shouldn’t allow my hopes to soar too high. The landings can be so tough sometimes.While we’re on the subject though, can you imagine what Kobe and Vanessa talked about during the anniversary last Wednesday night? In my 100 percent fictional, I-made-it-all-up mind, it probably went something like this (with appropriate apologies to Bill Cosby):”Yo, Vanessa, you knows I still love you, right? You still not be being mad at me and all, right?””Kobe, darling, it was a year ago this week you tossed me this little bling-bling right here on my tiny little finger.””Little?! Why dat sucker costs me …”Kobe catches himself mid-sentence; that leash is still pretty danged tight.”Honey bun,” she continues. “You know what, it just doesn’t look that big to me anymore. What say I call my lawyer and we start ‘negotiating’ with the Clippers.””Whatever, baby. You knows I still love you.”Unfair racial stereotyping? Of course not, it is satirical dialogue, nothing more, and those offended will be the same types who don’t realize Michael Moore is simply a fat slob with a video camera who sells ignorant liberals a bill of left wing propaganda that would have mad Joseph McCarthy blush.So enjoy your mail this week. Thank Kobe for the opportunity to serve, but remember to keep those minds wide open. Meanwhile, Packy Walker and Dave Garton are butt-naked with a shark on my wall this month. I have bigger things to deal with.Richard Carnes of Edwards can be reached at

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