Thankful I ain’t O.J.
I may be many things – some better than others – but I’m not O.J. Simpson and for that I’m thankful. O.J.’s going straight to hell. No purgatory, no passing “Go,” no collecting $200, which looked like more than he was going to collect on his confessional book, “If I Did It.” Of course he did it.I’m thankful the Intergalactic Whack Attractor is still running strong behind the blue sign outside the Vail Daily building. It’s a device that emits special electronic waves attracting those who might be a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal.My favorite of all the whacks is the guy who showed up wearing a top hat covered in aluminum foil because he said it repels the thought-control rays the CIA keeps trying to shoot into his brain.Then there’s the guy who drove all the way from Florida to tell us that Jesus’ birthplace was not the Middle Eastern city of Bethlehem, but was in the desert just south of Grand Junction and if we’d just pile into his van he’d show us the exact spot. The best part about that guy was that somewhere between Florida and western Colorado, he managed to pick up a disciple.I’m thankful it wasn’t me who wrote, “Be glad negative people are being attracted to you. Be aware of their appearance. Ask what is radiating from you that attracted them. Be the fly zapper at a picnic and ask why your light was on that attracted the fly.”I’m thankful for more gravy and elastic waistbands, two of the keys to a happy life for all Real American Guys.Thanksgiving is a day given over to gluttony and naps, which is what we do when we’re supposed to be watching football. No matter how good the games are, they’ll always fall short when compared to last weekend’s Ohio State-Michigan game.The most important regular season game should also be the best regular season game, which it was. The Ohio State-Michigan game shows, again, why God is a football fan.I’m thankful for every day I wake up and I’m not one of the Beastie Boys.I’m thankful for every day I wake up and don’t have a white chalk outline around my body. Every one of those is a great day.I’m thankful for every day I wake up and my wife demands a cup of coffee. I love my wife and I really like coffee.I’m thankful that my daughter has not yet brought home a guru who insists the secret to life is eating nothing but pineapple-upside-down beans, and insists we call him “Peace-Hope-Love-World-Understanding,” especially since that would be hard to fit onto a football jersey or a nametag when he finally settles for a job in a big box store selling cell phone systems to teenagers.I’m thankful for Thanksgiving, the ignored middle child of the holiday season. Yeah, I like Halloween (free candy and I get to dress like Ru Paul, and I still look good in heels and pearls. Sometimes a cowboy just likes to feel pretty). I like Christmas (free stuff and I get to try out all the cool toys I bought the kids).But as I become a more seasoned veteran, I understand the Thanksgiving fun of tossing out a conversational grenade like “I don’t think it’s right to say ‘God bless America.’ Why should God bless America more than anywhere else?”As the relatives loudly respond by pledging allegiance to Kate Smith, Irving Berlin and All Things American, I find myself thankful that it’s about time for “The Simpsons Thanksgiving Special” to start.And while we’re in Springfield and it’s finally time to stop eating, remember the immortal words of the Great Homer Simpson, “Going cold turkey isn’t as delicious as it sounds.”Randy Wyrick wants to know what you’re thankful for. E-mail him at email@example.comVail Daily, Vail Colorado CO