That magic wand |

That magic wand

This convoluted nonsense stops right here, right now.Egregious personal attacks that arise from the muck of political haranguing have reached red alert level proportions. Calls and letters defending Hillary Clinton and Tereeeeeza Whatshername have scaled the wall of good taste, and fallen disgracefully on the other side. The vitriolic rhetoric of each side calling the other “liars” and laying blame for anything and everything at each others feet is now at pre-K schoolyard levels.But none of that really matters, as we all know the horrible truth that must be brought forward today.Yes, I am sure we all can agree: There is no “r” in the word “idea.”Sen. Kerry’s repeated misuse of the word as “I-deer” must stop, and it must stop immediately.Liberals and conservatives alike certainly can concur that this endeavor be pursued, as there is no greater threat to the future of America – nay, all of mankind – than a president who erroneously thinks he can get away with adding a letter or two to a well-known and well-established word in the English (read: American) dictionary.Did he think he could get away with it? Did he think we would be too busy watching fornicating puppets on “Team America” to notice?Careful analysis (thanks to TIVO) reveals the anomaly “I-deer” on four separate but equally as annoying occasions.However, if one is willing to overlook such a horrendous lack of respect for American lingo, then I suppose we could concentrate on other, less important, issues leading up to 14 days from today.Let’s see, according to the liberal shell known as John Kerry, our world goes something like this: the flu vaccine shorting, Iran nuke building, North Korea nuke waving, Enron collapsing, Christopher Reeve dying, Oprah car taxes not paying, Mount Saint Helens erupting, Cheney’s daughter lesbian being, CU students binge drinking, Eagle County signs burning, abysmal play of the Red Sox, AIDS, bad breath, I-70, three out of four bad snow years for Vail Resorts, the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer can all be laid directly at the feet of one evil, mean-spirited, imperialistic New World Order pointing little man: George W. Bush.Everything that has ever gone wrong in the last four years is honestly and truthfully his fault – and his alone – but Karing Kerry and Evangelizing Edwards can fix it all with the wave of a donkey-tailed magic wand that miraculously creates fully-funded mandates without raising taxes while replenishing the ozone layer and supplying every American citizen with their very own personal physician to guarantee no one ever receives so much as a paper cut, unless the paper comes from a Bush-owned lumber mill.It appears that there is no limit to what this dynamic duo will promise the naive in order to be elected.The Rev. John Edwards now claims that “people like Christopher Reeve are going to walk, get up out of that wheelchair and walk again,” with the only requirement being that he and Kerry are elected and have the most candles burning in their honor at Lent.Simply amazing. Not the potential cure of course (Superman’s corpse wasn’t even cold yet), but the fact that anyone with more brain capacity than pixels in my photo would believe such garbage. George Bush is no more responsible for Reeve’s death than Kerry is for Michael J. Fox’s inability to sit still, and the next time he rises up from kissing the big guy’s toe’s he had better be careful he doesn’t chip a pearly white on Kerry’s halo.So many opportunistic political roads to travel. So few days remaining to capitalize upon celebrity roadkill.Meanwhile, the ketchup lady is continuing her dignity-free ways by promoting the long sought-after health care secrets of the rich and famous: “You get some gin and get some white raisins – and only white raisins – and soak them in the gin for two weeks,” she said questionably sober in Reno last week. “Then eat nine of the raisins a day.”Holy cow, this cures arthritis! I assume it works even faster with Pastor Edwards clasping the head of the afflicted in his hands while singing hymns to Messiah Kerry about crossing the River Canada in bare feet and tugging boatloads of outsourced American-made prescription drugs.Is it any wonder that at the end of the final debate, when each candidate was provided the opportunity to praise their respective wives, President Bush honored Laura, while Kerry not-so-subtly skipped over Tereeeeeza and praised his mom instead?Anyway, with the debates now over, the only informational avenues left to follow are TV, radio, newspapers, the internet, and the occasional burned or chain sawed candidate yard sign.Hopefully, those still undecided will develop a realistic idea – not “I-deer” – of the future and gain the knowledge necessary to make the right decision (pun intended) 13 days from today.Richard Carnes of Edwards can be reached at poor@vail.netVail, Colorado

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