The Aging of Aquarius
Today, Randy “The Titans of Town Talk” Wyrick is proud to propose:
Truth in Baby Boomer Pharmaceutical Labeling Act
My fellow Americans, Americans love pills. We love to poke fun at Mikey from the ancient cereal commercial, “Give it to Mikey. He eats everything.” We love to skewer our own mortality with lyrics about Viagra and Rogaine, such as “One pill makes you larger, one makes your bald spot small …”
Our parents and grand parents were The Greatest Generation. We are the Over-Medicated Generation.
We are, however, confused. We are constantly bombarded with television ads imploring us to ask our doctors about stuff like fatigue, hair loss and the diminution of the marital impulse – if you know what we mean and we think you do.
What we need is a common point of reference, to help us determine what these medications will do to/for us.
In our misspent youth, when we were engaged in amateur pharmacology, we came to understand how various chemical substances would affect us, and for how long. The question, then, is how can we apply these hard-learned lessons to the new wave of feel-good substances designed to convince us we still have washboard abs and stallion thighs – when we certainly do not. Still, there’s something fundamentally healthy about someone who can look reality squarely in the eye and deny its existence.
What substance do we know about that we can use for comparison purposes?
The answer is, of course, our very own Boomer physiological abnormality – Cheap-Beer-In-College Syndrome, which explains why rehab was so popular for a while. What cheap beer gives you in thrift, it recoups in day-after pain.
We are sorry we ever did it, we know it was a mistake and we promise to never do it again.
Still, most of us have that cheap-beer-in-college reference.
That’s why we, The Titans of Town Talk, promise to introduce the Truth in Baby Boomer Pharmaceutical Labeling Act. All these Baby Boomer mortality medications shall contain labeling comparing it to cheap beer or other substances we may or may not have abused in our misspent youth – and since there are no legal documents recording what those substances might or might not have been, they’re none of your business.
“Wyrick for Senate: Why Not?”
Remember, “If It Has Torque, Recoil, Compression, Makes a Big Bang or Shoots a Big Bullet, It’s Cool and America Needs More Of It.”