The ‘Done Gone Donkey Soul Searching GOP Blues’ |

The ‘Done Gone Donkey Soul Searching GOP Blues’

Greetings from Colorado, a state now so blue it looks like a Smurf on steroids.

Sing it like you mean it, like the Colorado Choir we are ” “House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.”

It’s a little more high-brow than Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue,” but it ain’t quite Pachelbel’s Canon, unless you play the Canon on a banjo. Now that’s a tune that’ll stick with you all day, sort of like stink on a stockyard boot.

It’s a time for reflection, looking toward the future and if you’re a Republican it’s a time for soul-searching. Which leads me to wonder what we might find in a thorough search of the Republican soul.

Among the items I’ve located so far:

– Jimmy Hoffa.

– Michael Jackson’s other glove.

– Directions to their local precinct. Many Republicans seemed to misplace the

address of their polling places, judging from this year’s voter turnout. Like the bumper sticker says, “Get involved. The world is run by those who show up.” Your worthy Democrat opponents did.

– M.C. Hammer. When he cranked out the pop music hit, “Can’t Touch This,” we didn’t know he meant we’d never touch him again.

– Voter totals. Last week we referenced “Great Valley’s animals … munching their green grass.” As we reviewed election results from the resort areas, we notice that more voters in Eagle County voted for Mary Jane (marijuana) than any of the three county commissioner candidates. Mary Jane also received more votes than the incumbent sheriff. So goes another election up in smoke.

– The planet Pluto. If it was a pop star, it would be known as the Planet Formerly Known as Pluto. Perhaps a plannette? I want credit for all the times in elementary school I said there were eight planets and the teacher insisted there were nine. My refusal to believe her resulted in another trip to the principal’s office and a mark on my permanent record. I want it expunged.

– The Rev. Ted Haggard. He’s already yesterday’s news. The pastor of a Colorado Springs megachurch was bounced for having an affair with a gay hooker and buying meth. Like Bill Clinton, he originally claimed he did not inhale. Unlike Clinton, exactly what he didn’t inhale remains unclear.

– We’ll find the entire cast of the reality series “Lost,” along with a new reality series in which kids try to locate their most valued worldly possessions, such as their Spiderman sweatshirts. It’ll be called “Lost and Found.”

– Donald Rumsfeld. Donald and President Gee Dubya are a little like a New York Yankees thing:

Monday, George Steinbrenner says: “Billy Martin is my manager.”

Tuesday: “Billy Martin has my full support.”

Wednesday: “I don’t care how much the media hate him, I’m standing behind Billy.”

Thursday: “Billy, you’re fired.”

Friday: “I’d like to introduce the new manager of the New York Yankees, Billy Martin.”

– The lessons of history. James Madison captured our political control conundrum in the Federalist Papers, Federalist 51: “You must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself.”

– Saint Jude, the patron saint of lost causes and hopeless cases. When all other avenues are closed, he is the one to call upon, and his help often comes at the last moment.

That’s why, Republicans, you know in your soul that there’s still hope for 2008.

It looks like the Democrats are running Hillary.

Because it’s fun to kick politicians when they’re down, Randy Wyrick is in full mock mode. He can be reached at 748-2977 or

Vail Daily, Vail, Colorado CO

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