The Final Daze: Bush likes a Rosie scenario |

The Final Daze: Bush likes a Rosie scenario

The White House:

Mr. President, Chief of Staff Bolton is here.

Come in Josh, we need to talk.

What’s up, Mr. President?

My presidency, Josh. I only have 600 days left in office.

Actually, you have 579 days, 14 hours, 10 minutes and …

You have a countdown clock, don’t you?

Gift from a Democrat, sir.

Can’t say I’m amused, Josh.

Sorry, sir.

Anyway, I’ve drawn up a list of my priorities for the stretch run.

Fire away, sir.

OK: No. 1, impeach Cheney.

Impeach your vice president?

Why not? He and his bunch of neocon nincompoops are the ones that got me into this Iraq mess.

The only thing I would point out, sir, is that Cheney is your insurance. They’re never going to impeach you if he’s the alternative.

Good point. Hey, what if we impeach him and replace him with someone equally dislikable?

That might work, sir. Who do you have in mind?

Rosie O’Donnell.

Hmm, let me think on that, sir. What’s next?

No. 2, Get Fredo on the Supreme Court.

When you say Fredo, sir, you mean Attorney General Alberto Gonzales?

Absolutely. He’d make a great Supreme.

The only problem is it takes 51 votes in the Senate to confirm, sir.

OK, hypothetically, if we nominated him today, how many votes would he get?

Right now, sir, one.

One! Who?

Joe Lieberman.

I could kiss that man.

What’s next, sir?

No. 3, grant statehood to Albania.


Great place. You ever been? They really, really love me there. Make a great state.

Moving right along, sir.

Right. No. 4, get all the illegals out of the country.

How do you propose we do that, sir? Mass arrests?

Arrests? Heck, no. How are you going to arrest 12 million people?

Then what’s your solution, sir?

Simple, Josh ” we offer them parting gifts.

Parting gifts, sir?

Sure, like they do on the game shows. People love parting gifts. We could hand them out at the border.

Interesting approach, sir.

Where am I? Oh, No. 5. Make Fox News the executive branch’s official source of information.

Sir, Fox News is already the executive branch’s official source of information.

Another good point there, Josh. Let’s skip to No. 6, global warming.

You’re concerned about global warming, sir?

Absolutely. Everybody should be, you know, in case there turns out to be something to it.

What do you propose, sir?

It’s a program I call “Share the AC.” Every day we require everyone in the country who has AC ” businesses, homeowners, drivers ” to open all their windows for one hour. Tell me all that cold air wouldn’t cool things off.

Right. Um, where are we now, sir, No. 7?

Yep, No. 7, Scooter Libby.

Oh, tough one. Pardon him or don’t pardon him? Which way you leaning, sir?

I’m thinking about making him a knight.

A knight?

Yeah, you know, Sir Scooter.

I don’t think you have the power, sir. I think only kings and queens can do that.

Hold on. I’m the leader of the free world and you’re telling me I can’t make someone a knight?

I’ll check the Constitution, sir, but I’m pretty sure you can’t knight people.

You know, Josh, there are a lot of things about this job I’m not going to miss at all.

E-mail comments about this column to

Support Local Journalism

Start a dialogue, stay on topic and be civil.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.

User Legend: iconModerator iconTrusted User