The Guy’s Guide to Valentine’s Day
Just ask her what she wants — she'll tell you
February 13, 2019
It's Valentine's Day, 51 days after Christmas and 51 days after guys like us should have gotten our wives and/or significant others what they really wanted, but didn't.
That's because you're a guy. That happy accident of birth renders you incapable of buying tasteful Valentine's Day gifts.
That's a problem because Valentine's Day looms large in your immediate future. It's Thursday, which should be obvious to even those of us who possess the attention span of an Irish Setter puppy — which is most guys.
And do not, under any circumstances, say out loud that you think Valentine's Day is a travesty foisted upon guys by the floral, jewelry and chocolate industries. Think it if you must, but DO NOT say it.
Valentine's Day is actually a shot at redemption. The 51 days between Christmas and Valentine's Day is the purgatory during which you pay for the sins of failing to get her what she really wanted for Christmas. Blow it again and your gift-purchasing purgatory will last until Arbor Day.
Guys, do not attempt this on your own.
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Even William Shakespeare asked, "What does a woman want?" And Shakespeare wrote sonnets, wore frilly shirts and sissy britches. If “Wild Bill” Shakespeare couldn't figure it out, you have no chance.
How do you know what she wants?
You ask her, is what you do.
She'll tell you.
I can almost guarantee you that her answer will not be, "An autographed Pete Rose Cincinnati Reds jersey with the dirt stain on the front ground into the fabric when Pete dove headfirst while stealing third base against the infidel Los Angeles Dodgers."
Your course of action has not changed since Christmas, or even since Adam offered Eve a tastefully arranged Valentine’s Day fruit basket. It's so simple even guys can follow the simple 10-step directions:
- Ask her what she wants
- Take that answer to heart and save your money.
- Take your money downtown to see Da Man.
- Hand Da Man your money.
- Da Man will hand you the thing she wants.
- You're happy because she has what she wants.
- She's happy for the very same reason.
- Da Man is happy because he has your money.
- Everyone is happy.
- Happiness is your friend.
Here's what happens when you're let off the leash to make your own decisions about girl gifts.
I'm a deadline junkie and once upon a time I procrastinated buying a Valentine's Day gift until the last possible minute. I barged into a flower shop at 5:45 p.m. begging them to sell me roses. They had 11 left.
So, I wrote on the card: "Here are 11 roses. You're the 12th."
My bride is a card-carrying member of the Mensa Society. She knew exactly what I had done.
She invoked a biblical principle: "By grace are you saved, and not of works."
I said: "Who's Grace?"
There's no support group for this. You just have to man up and do what needs to be done.
Look her straight in the eye and ask, "What, my love, do you want?"
She'll tell you the truth.