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The Terminator won’t be back

Nickey Hernandez

If John Conner is the last, best hope for mankind, we’re screwed.In the mythology of &quotThe Terminator&quot franchise, Connor is George Washington, George Patton and Jessica Lynch rolled into one. He is the best and the brightest after machines nearly kill off the human race.But in &quotT-3,&quot the latest and by far worst of the Terminator series, Conner is a total pussy. He a scruffy loner, who lives &quotoff grid&quot to avoid human contact. He whines like a spoiled woman, bitches about being a world savior and has his ass kicked by a lady veterinarian.As we all know, &quotThe Terminator&quot burst onto the cinematic scene nearly 20 years ago when Arnold Schwarzenegger portrayed a killing machine sent back in time to murder John Conner’s mom. Had the original Terminator succeeded, Conner would have never been born. Therefore, he could never grow up to overthrow the machines in the future.&quotTerminator 2: Judgment Day&quot followed a similar theme 12 years ago. By then Conner was a snotty juvenile delinquent. Again, his pussy streak was a mile long. Schwarzenegger reprised his role, but this time served as Conner’s wingman against a more advanced Terminator.&quotT-3&quot is basically the same movie. Only now Conner is a 20-something dirt bag. Again, a super-sophisticated machine travels back in time to kill Conner and the lieutenants who will form a future army against the machines.The new &quotT-X&quot Terminator looks like a drop-dead super model that favors skin-tight red leather. Apparently machines know what men like, because this lusty cyborg can inflate her boobs on command. She can also turn any machine into a killing device and analyze a person’s DNA by licking their blood.Arnold again returns as the good Terminator.The new wrinkle here is that Arnold must also protect Conner’s future wife, Kate Brewster (Claire Danes). Brewster and Conner knew each other in junior high, but lost touch after Conner hit the road with his mom back in &quotT-2.&quot They are thrown together by happenstance and rekindle their teen-aged interest in &quotT-3&quot.Meantime, the super-sophisticated and extremely good-looking T-X is on a rampage. The hot little number lands in LA, snatches a fancy Lexus convertible, a gun and goes Conner hunting.Arnold comes back in time, visits a gay strip show, and outfits himself in black leather. Once more the chase is on.Everything about T-3 is old and dated. We get a bunch of repeat catch phrases from the original Terminator along with a ton of smashed buildings and vehicles. There are half a dozen or so duels between the sexy T-X and Arnold. He clubs her with a urinal; she stomps on his head. He fires a rocket-propelled grenade into her cleavage; she knocks him through a wall.Yawn.While all this rock em, sock em robot action goes on, we learn that Brewster’s dad, a big shot general, is about to green light a computer system that puts the nation’s nuclear arsenal under the command of machines.That, of course, is the prelude to the global nuclear holocaust foreshadowed in &quotT-1&quot and &quotT-2.&quotAll this non-tension leads to a ridiculous battle inside a military base where Arnold, the T-X, Conner and his future wife, duke it out in a last-ditch effort to avert nuclear annihilation.After three installments, I no longer care about the human race. I found myself rooting for the machines this time. Then again, I’m a sucker for a hot blonde in tight leather.Until next time, Mr. Hernandez has left the theater to teach his fax machine who’s boss. qNickey Hernandez is a former private investigator who likes to rage against the machine.


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