The things we should see in sports |

The things we should see in sports

John Knauf

Editor’s Note: Eagle Valley lost their state semi-final football game Nov. 16 against Eaton. Congratulations to the Devils on a great season.With Thanksgiving just around the corner, we’re grateful for the upcoming day of stuffing ourselves with food and the knowledge that ski season is once again upon us. We’re happy it’s one of the best times of the year for sports. Still, we’ll never see some things in sports that would make me truly grateful.That’s okay. It’s good to dream.I’d be grateful to see Hootie Johnson and Martha Burk on the TV show, “Blind Date.” Oh sure, there’s some acrimony on those political or Jerry Springer-like shows, but nothing compared to the venom these two have for each other. It’d make for great viewing, especially if they both promise to go away after the show airs.I’d be grateful for all little league and high school sporting venues to be equipped with soundproof glass between the fans and participants. This way, players would play, coaches would coach, officials would officiate, and spectators could only watch. Of course, this would negate some of the wonderful things we see now: Overbearing dads berating their kids; moms who don’t know the rules yelling at the umpire; or parents unwilling to volunteer their time yelling at the coaches who are willing to volunteer.Unfortunately, this idea negates the advantages of having kids hear parents from opposing teams yelling at each other.I’d be grateful for the BCS to end with six teams with one loss. Anything that causes chaos to this system is good as long as it gets us closer to a college football playoff.It’s really no wonder that the BCS comes straight from the NCAA. I’d be really grateful for the NCAA to go through a complete overhaul, but that’s a whole other column. Suffice it to say the NCAA reminds me of that story I read as a kid where three witches share an eye and pass it around so they can all see a third of the time. The NCAA is just like that with a brain. That brain is shared by about 50 people.I’d be grateful when the designated hitter is completely eliminated and the strike zone becomes larger than the size of a Milk Dud.I’d be grateful if Tyrone Willingham gets a professional coaching job. Having him at Notre Dame makes it much more difficult to hate the Irish. It was much easier when Lou Holtz was the coach. Don’t get me wrong – I still want to see Notre Dame lose, I just have trouble rooting against such a solid guy. (I hope everyone is grateful I didn’t use the Willingham angle everybody feels compelled to use because it’s the politically correct. I think we’re closing in on a time when the best person gets the job regardless of their musical taste).I’d be grateful for Beano Cook’s permanent banishment from ESPN. I’ve never seen Beano and Pizza the Hut from the movie “Spaceballs” in the same room and I know it’s not a coincidence. Anybody who makes John Madden look anorexic needs to be put out to pasture, fast. Of course, that pasture better have a lot of hay.I’d be grateful if figure skating wasn’t corrupt. My confidence in the sport has been shaken and I won’t go back until it becomes “on-the-level” like a sport I have true confidence in (like pro wrestling).I’d be grateful for the permanent elimination of all sideline reporters. Have you ever heard a sideline reporter say anything interesting or add to a broadcast? It’s all about eye candy. If you don’t think the networks want eye candy, ask ABC why they replaced Leslie Visser with Melissa Stark or ask CBS why Michelle Tafoya was replaced by Jill Arrington.Let’s do away with the pretense. Make sideline reporters a pay-per-view add on available only to people above the age of 18. Then we can “go down to the sideline for a special report from Amber and Destiny” without the constraints of network censors.Finally, I am grateful for Ohio high school football coaches Dave Frantz and Derek Dewitt to win lots of future championships. The two recently agreed to let Frantz’s player, Jake Porter, to score a touchdown on the final play of a game Dewitt’s team was winning 42-0. Porter hadn’t missed a practice or game since he started high school three years ago. Porter also is mentally retarded. I’m grateful these two coaches got together and were able to make Porter’s year and give a great message to their players.John Knauf lives in East Vail and is a frequent contributor to the Vail Trail.

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