Those fun-loving, wacky Tipsliners | VailDaily.com
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Those fun-loving, wacky Tipsliners

Here is this week’s poetic-justice answer to last week’s rhetorically unasked question: An overall time savings of less than 20 seconds.That is the totality of chronological efficiency achieved by traveling at 55 mph instead of 45 mph for approximately one single mile, which is roughly the distance traveled in front of Arrowhead along Highway 6 east of the new traffic light and just west of the ice-covered northeastern curve toward Avon.This is what more than one anonymous Tipsliner wants to carp about so far in the exciting new year known as 2005.Could writing this column be any easier?Being a 45 mph speed limit on both sides of the brief 55 mph stretch, less than one-third of a total minute can be saved by speeding up for that oh-so-short section of two-lane road, yet this is all it takes to infuriate a few locals.And who says we haven’t come a long way as a species?FYI: More than 200,000 innocent individuals swept away in a literal tidal wave of death and destruction, and we still find mundane atrocities to complain about here in Happy Valley.Sure, life goes on, and all that rubbish. But at least Tipsline callers seem to have their narcissistic priorities straight, especially when it comes to scheming and plotting strategies for navigating Eagle County highways and byways.The finer details of maneuvering roundabouts has been a major theme of discussion lately, covering such fascinating topics as which lane to occupy upon entering if one wishes to turn left and why Johnny Law is not out there directing traffic during rush hour.Funny, I thought the main concept of roundabouts was to eliminate the need for more government intervention (i.e. stoplights), allowing us dumb licensed taxpayers to keep the traffic flow constant by making decisions on our very own concerning when to brake and when to accelerate.FYI: Millions of Iraqis are ready to vote, or die trying, in less than two weeks in an attempt to thwart terrorism and take back control of their own country.Interstate 70 is part of the local transportation package and therefore is not immune to the whining yammerers with complaints covering which lane is for passing, the efficiency of government-owned snowplows, the IQs of drivers during a snowstorm, and the constant threats to society as we know it coming to an end because of hexahydrate, known by local fear-mongers as magnesium (related to Magnus, perhaps?) chloride and promoted by local New Agers as a miracle drug for its anti-microbial and immune-stimulating properties. It’s probably good for sex organs and low mortgage rates, too.But like religion, global warming and the constant defeat of the Broncos in the playoffs, it all depends on whose reasoning and science (or lack thereof) one wishes to believe.FYI: Mahmoud Abbas has just been sworn in (and probably sworn at) as the new Palestinian leader. Like the new and “improved” Vladimir Putin, should we be afraid of this guy? Will Tony Blair now send costume-wearing Prince William to begin negotiations? Perhaps as a foreboding omen, an anagram for his name is “Mad, bomb USA, ha!”Meanwhile, ECO and TOV buses are accused of not stopping to pick up those in need; Middle Creek either looks like Auschwitz or is the saving grace of a ski town in transition; snow causes some stupid people to drive too slow, other stupid people to drive too fast; the Vail convention center is either being rammed down taxpayers throats at the speed of light or moseying along at a pace equivalent to beginning construction of the West Vail Fire Station; the checkout line at Home Depot takes way too much time; Eagle County should put up “No Jesus Fetish” signs on every single patch of potentially frozen water so they are not responsible for hypothermic drownings; persistent plastering of weathered Kerry bumper stickers is a 1st Amendment right for those who have “moved on” to continue to ridicule; and the use of 6 million Eagle County dollars to purchase Eaton Ranch is either the most intelligent use of tax dollars since Social Security or the most asinine use of such since the town of Avon went on its latest art-buying binge.Either way, we can be proud Happy Valleyites with the knowledge that Tipsliners will never stop thrusting w ith the pointless sword of a cell phone to warn the rest of us what is truly important in this world, such as saving 20 seconds on a drive to work.And, in turn, always providing me with facile free-lancing fodder. Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at poor@vail.netVail, Colorado


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