Titillating tips for TIPSLiners
Continued by popular demand, even more fascinating tips specifically for those consistently expressing opinions and never afraid of attempting to influence people’s thoughts, as long as they can remain anonymous.Yes, here they are, extended helpful hints for those in desperate need of assistance when it comes to planting the seeds of unsubstantiated rumor against your political opponent, everyday enemies, or showing one’s true colors when it comes to racism, elitism, bigotry, jealousy and any other spewing form of human emotion.For the uninitiated, TIPSLine is like standing on top of the Gore Range, holding in your bare hands the largest megaphone ever manufactured for vocal use by mankind, screaming at the top of your lungs, due west, for all of Happy Valley to hear.And man, do we ever listen.But your identity remains a secret, allowing you to get away with virtually anything short of libel and four-letter words not fit for family consumption.As always, I like to lead by example (keeping in mind that you know my name and I am being paid), so TIP No. 1:You dial 328-TIPS. A pleasant voice thanks you for calling, and then asks that you wait for the beep before giving your tip. Mr. Phone goes “beep.””That &*%!?$!*! jerk of a columnist is a &*%!?$!*!-ing &*%!?$!*! How dare he (or she) say &*%!?$!*! blah-blah-blah…”You continue in this pleasant mode for a full minute or so before finally slamming the phone down in sweaty disgust, hopefully though, being mindful enough to wipe the spittle from the mouthpiece first. A week or so later you are again ready to bust a nut over the fact that your “tip” never made it to print on these very pages.There is a reason for this; for it was not a tip. You figure it out.Better yet, ask someone who actually knows how to manipulate the English language in black and white instead of full-bore Technicolor. But such is the life of a typical TIPSLine caller – full of rage, venom and attributes usually reserved for constipated male bovines.TIP No. 2: Announcing you are angry because the neighbor’s pooch pooped on your patio might be fascinating to those who look up to you for food, clothing or paychecks. But rest assured it does not mean diddly squat to the rest of us. We sincerely do hope, though, that it means you will stop kicking your own dog in a rage whenever the Raiders score a touchdown.Tip No. 3: If you insist on slamming someone for what you are sure was a glaring mistake on their part, make sure the slammee was not being sarcastic or perhaps using word-play upon making the assumed mistake. In other words, they just might have done it on purpose, in which case you’re only embarrassing yourself needlessly.Tip No. 4: Want to complain about each and every word a particular female columnist ever writes? Remember, at least she has the courage to attach her name to each of those words, even when she comes across as a canary in search of a coal mine.Tip No. 5: If you say, “This is in response to S” or “I would just like to sayS” or “That column was right on S,” please tell us which column you are referring to and, perhaps, who wrote it. Thank you.Quick one-liners for TIPSLiners:You sound just like minorsMasquerading as refiners,When you’re really just whinersIn need of recliners.Tip No. 6: Influence. You have a chance of actually influencing someone’s thoughts only if you say your name – your real name. Making a funny-funny, ha-ha joke at someone’s expense and then leaving your name as “Adam” does not score any points with the Reality Police. Besides, you stand as much chance of actually influencing someone’s opinion as a weekly columnist, which we all know carries the same weight as a bound and gagged town council candidate lying feet-up underneath a mahogany desk during a VRI board meeting.Tip No. 6: If you think you’re being cute by slamming someone with AAI (Anonymous Accusatory Innuendo), think again. What with the wonders of voice-recognition technology and the vast resources of the Trilateral Commission (which owns all worldwide media except the NY Times), the reality is that we already know who you are the moment you open your mouth.Tip No. 7: For those responding to last week’s tips (for letter writing) with anything other than sarcastic humor – thanks for proving my point. Maybe someday you, too, will understand that all opinion pieces need not be cemented with foundations of self-righteous, presumed life-changing current events.Life is much too short for that.Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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