Tomorrow’s headlines today!
In what was perhaps an arrogant tribute to the tenacity of their contentious campaign, Sen. Wayne Allard paid tribute late Tuesday night to his defeated opponent, millionaire lawyer-lobbyist Tom Strickland, by tossing a well-packed snow/mudball smack into the center of a bull’s eye target.
The target was in the form of a poster featuring a black-and-white, toothless, doctored photo of Strickland. Allard, who just recently admitted to also having a seven-figure net worth, smiled with a wink saying, “We said a lot of mean and hurtful things to each other. Some we meant compassionately. Others we did not. But the sweet taste of victory is even sweeter knowing I get to keep my condo in D.C. for six more years. Thank you all, very, very much!”
Douglas “Dayhorse” Campbell of the American Constitution Party finally admitted the “catchy name thingy” was not enough to win, while Rick Stanley of the Libertarians and John Heckman representing the Concerns of the People Party were spotted wondering the streets of Boulder asking if someone could at least give them the time of day. …
Owens Vows To Begin Camp-aigning
Gov. Bill Owen, re-elected in a landslide of votes worthy of a snowboarder caught in a late April Loveland Pass avalanche, decided it was about time to get started campaigning for re-election.
When told he had already won the election but still managed to raise almost $6 million for the campaign, Owens responded, “I’m goin’ to Disneyland!”
Rumors circulated throughout the media about an onslaught of Heath Bars suddenly available at Republican headquarter. …
Stones Outsell Opponents For District 3 Seat
Flaunting high-percentage returns in front of faceless naysayers, Tom and Henri (pronounced: On-Ray) Stone claimed victory last night for Eagle County commissioner.
Rumor has it a telegram arrived shortly after the announcement direct from Washington, D.C. Hoping to find a congratulatory letter from the president, the Stones were disappointed to find Ross Palmer’s resume. …
Lemon Squeezes By Miller
In a move reminiscent of her entire sugar-filled campaign, local Heather Lemon simply smiled and gave an appreciative nod with her head when told of her narrow but fruitful victory over incumbent Carl Miller for state representative. Wearing a gorgeous yellow-chiffon yet conservative pantsuit, S
Campbell Captures Coroner Contradicting Canvassing Connotes Curtains
While admitting that going door-to-door in a bloodied skeleton outfit on Halloween night was in questionable taste, new Eagle County Coroner Bruce Campbell declared victory. S
Voters Say Yes-Yes, No-No On 27-28, 29-30
Somehow confusing “Camp-aign Finance Reform” with “Vail Resorts Upper Management Longevity,” voters still said “yes” to Amendment 27. S
Apparently unconcerned with ballot duplicity, voters approved Amendment 28, while “What the hell is a caucus anyway?” appeared a fitting question for those opposing Amendment 29. S
Amendment 30, which would have provided liberals with more voting day opportunities than Adam Aaron has stock options, also went down in flames due to obvious self-serving reasons. S
Coloradoans Say Adios To 31
Proving language education begins in the home, Coloradoans statewide proudly said “Nyet” to Amendment 31. S
Vail Says No D, but Yes C
Vail voters, showing real foresight for the first time in what seems like decades, finally said “yes” to funding and building a convention center, while remaining true to their traditional MO of refusing to increase taxes to pay for services. S
Local Doors Closed to Open Space Tax
For the second time in eight years at the ballot box, Eagle County locals have made their point concerning the use of tax dollars by an appointed board to arbitrarily purchase what little open space remains in their area. S
Voters Swing For More Nepotism in Avon
Proving that family and politics not only belong in the states of Arkansas, New York and maybe the deep backwoods of Kentucky, both incumbents retained their respective seats as Council members for the town of Avon, along with sort-of-incumbent Brian I-look-good-on-camera Sipes and newcomer Ron I-can-pay-for-more-signs-than-anyone Wolfe. S
Avon Voters Say “What’s The Use?’ On 2E
Feeling the backlash from continued attempts to raise taxes in order to cover budget shortfalls, town of Avon leaders accepted defeat of their “use-tax” proposal, and are now hell-bent on choosing a new mayor, new town manager, and deciding which sculptures to cut out of next year’s budget. S
Carnes Claims (Miss) Cleo Condition
In an apparent effort to cover his weak attempts at fortune telling, local columnist Carnes vehemently declares the above are simply guesses, not necessarily his personal wishes for reality. S
Richard Carnes of Edwards writes weekly. He can be reached at email@example.com