You take some top-shelf salami, fresh ham, some fancy cheese, honey-smoked turkey, fresh bread ” this is going to be a super tasty sandwich, right? ” then smother it with some tasteless, non-nutritional slime that drips all over your fingers and the nice shirt you put on for work.
Recently on this page, there appeared a celebration of that national nastiness known as mayonnaise; that dull sludge that some restaurants insist on slathering all over what would otherwise be savory sandwiches, hamburgers, french fries, tenderloins, salmon steaks, veal cutlets, paellas, ice creams, coffees, etc.
Why would people make their food more tasteless? A fear of flavor? Spite for spices?
Mayonnaise is the culinary equivalent of Barry Manilow ” boring, lifeless, utterly predictable, unstimulating, the complete opposite of threatening. It’s for diners who don’t want to be challenged or surprised or inspired by their meals or snacks.
Mayonnaise doesn’t even have enough flavor to be disgusting or villainous. If mayonnaise was a movie or TV character, it wouldn’t be Darth Vader or Hannibal Lecter, it would be one of those extraneous, expendable guys on Star Trek who get vaporized by the alien.
Mayonnaise is hardly as vile as say, smoking ” there’s no risk of second-hand unremarkable blandness. There’s no reason to have no-mayo zones in restaurants or sandwich shops. There’s no reason to spend any energy trying to ban such blandness.
The only hope for some diners is to educate them ” reawaken them to flavor and texture and piquancy. Keep the mayonnaise off their sandwiches without telling them and well, if it’s just too tasty, they’re a lost cause.
The alien will probably eat them ” and hold the mayo.
Ski racers heading off to train in Oregon had a trailer open and lost a large green duffel and a teal and brown Vera Bradley suitcase between Golden Peak and the main Vail entrance to westbound I-70 on Wednesday night around 11 p.m. No questions asked. Reward. Call 970-331-1961.
The family of David Erickson would like to thank everyone who helped with his memorial, especially:
Red Canyon High School, EPS Design and Print, Stu Eves, Everett Family Funeral Home, Beaver Creek Chapel, Pastor Mark Huggenvik of Mount of the Holy Cross Lutheran Church, Costco Deli, and all or our friends and family.