Good morning and welcome to Town Talk Towers, the only daily column that wants to make the Olympics an even more crassly commercialized event than it already is.
You’ve probably seen at least some of the opening ceremonies ” gushingly described as a spectacular event that will live through history, although we’d ask King Tut how long folks really, really remembered just how many jars of Egyptian beer went into the Eternity Hole with him ” and maybe a few of the other events.
You may also have noticed the sky, if NBC has had the nerve to show it. Apparently not even banning half of Beijng’s cars from the streets and turning all the table fans to high have been enough to blow out a couple of decades worth of smog.
But no matter. The competition is fierce, the athletes have been thoroughly drug-tested and the TV cameras are rolling, so, belatedly, we’ve cooked up a handful of slogans for this worldwide festival of running, jumping and endorsement deals.
– The Beijing Olympics: You mean the sky doesn’t look like that in your country?
– The Beijing Olympics: We have no idea what time it is in Denver. Maybe 2:30 next Tuesday afternoon?
– The Beijing Olympics: Lead-free lucky dragon’s teeth since April!
– The Beijing Olympics: Home of Tiananmen Square, where, in 1989, absolutely nothing happened.
– The Beijing Olympics: Why would you think we’ve shut down dissident Web sites? We have no dissidents here!
And, our favorite:
– The Beijing Olympics: Come for the competition, stay for the brutal crushing of dissent!