We’ve solved the visa crisis!
So local businesses, governments and ski resorts may be short some employees this ski season because of a run on guest-worker visas and dithering in Congress.
Not to worry. We’ve figured out how this resort town can be fully staffed in time for ski season.
1. Pine beetle power. Unleash more pine beetles into the forest to kill more trees. The trees should fall over more quickly. Falling trees will roll down the ski mountain and groom the slopes.
2. We know Vail hates comparisons to Disney World, but if we can’t bring enough bus drivers in from overseas, we can turn the bus system into a Disney-style ride that won’t require humans to operate. The buses will run on rails past singing,
animatronic snowmen and bears and marmots, adding to the attraction for families.
If we really need to simulate reality, we’re sure animatronic Australian bus drivers can be built. They, of course, can be turned off at night and won’t need housing or health care.
3. Ovens can clean themselves, and we’ve seen the technology for self-cleaning hotel rooms. We can’t reveal how it works, but we can tell you guests will want to find something to do in the village while the room is cleaning itself.
4. Restaurants have several options, from using those robotic vacuums to deliver food to the tables, insisting customers study the wine lists ahead of time and having diners chop their own vegetables and pour their own cocktails. Of course, any diners with complaints about service will have only themselves to blame.
5. Because of the visa shortage, some longtime and very popular ski instructors may not be able to come back next season, likely disappointing some of their longtime students.
We can declare these instructors enemy combatants, which means they can be held indefinitely, without visas (and without a court hearing or access to a lawyer) in shoddy, overcrowded employee housing.
Remember Battle Mountain High School Homecoming on the world’s most beautiful football field in Maloit Park, surrounded by golden aspens to accentuate the Black and Gold? Wow! If you have those fond and beautiful memories, you probably went to school at BMHS during those Maloit Park years! Come visit with other students from those years Saturday, from 1 to 4 p.m. at Maloit Park. Bring something to eat to share and your beverage of choice. Bring lots of memories and pictures, and be prepared for some laughter and tears!